Daily Refined

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

2012-02-12T10:29:00.002-05:00

There is a Robert Frost poem.
Perhaps you know it.

I have committed some of this to memory, since revisiting it in college. Today, I reread this piece of art.

I feel a kinship to its words - its emotion - its innuendoes.

I'm beginning another new season starting today.
I have kept it close to the chest for God has a way of orchestrating His timing with perfect meter, perfect resonance. I have learned, while listening to His symphony of this daughter's life, that He alone knows the next beat, the next crescendo, the next measure. If I think I have an idea where the swells are headed, I only find myself shocked and awed by His changes. His beautiful harmony.

This next phase for me: moving to College Station, Texas to live and help my Aunt in her difficult health - to work as many shifts as God gives me, saving money, earning, building up finances -- this next stage is my version of stopping by the woods on a snowy evening. And it's breathtaking in its quiet reverie. It's pregnant with meaning and verification of soul.

My King has made passage for me.
It may look as if I'm aimless or wandering.
It may have strong "horses" questioning my travel.
It may look odd, or unsafe, or irresponsible.

Such warnings have been spoken to me.

Yet I know whose woods I journey through.

And I have promises to keep, and miles to go yet.

I owe homage and service to One.

He, I follow

He I know

I stop to watch the flakes paint peace upon an unfamiliar safety. A wood some may not know. Yet this is my night of travel. It is not time for sleep just yet.

This is my obedience. This scary but steady place. Moonlit in assurance.

There will be time for everything under the sun. I can only follow the true Conductor, the true Navigator, and do my best to tell my companions there is no mistake as I keep the pace. I must remind myself amidst the noise. If I start to vary, may I remember the sound of snow falling. May I remember the blanket of newness. The sharpness of season's metamorphosis.

5MF - Trust

2012-02-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

Today I'm hooking up with Lisa-Jo again over at The Gypsy Mama for the weekly write-without-fretting.

Today's word is TRUST.

There is never a bad or uninspiring word...ever notice that?
I'm tired already, just knowing the word. Yet here goes....take the 5 minutes and join me, won't you?

~~
GO.

Why pick the practice I'm the worst at?

TRUST.

Is anyone stellar at this? Because I need a mentor to show me the ingredients to a trust-secured existence.

Then again, I suppose we are all dog paddling through the choppy waters of sinful humanity. This side of Glorious Home, aren't we told that we won't quite get everything right?

Yet we're still supposed to run the race. To dig into our persevering bones and endure this tumultuousness that combats our urge to give in.

I want so deeply and drastically to yearn for only His voice. To trust only His truth. Yet continually I hear the disapproving tones of another who doesn't think my life is quite matching up. I hear the accusatory voice within my own head berating my inability to support myself in ways an almost-30 year old should. I even hear the encouragement, the love bursting from great brothers and sisters, and begin to hunger for more of their approval than my Maker's.

No matter how I slice it, the pie of people-pleasing is never supposed to nourish my soul.
I wasn't built for that.
I was built for Trusting in One only.
I was built with a hole inside of me that cannot be quenched without the living water as my only supply.

No, I wasn't crafted for bending over backwards for the lie or even the temporary sweetness of this world.

I was built for eternity. For basking the glory of Sacrificial unity.

How I wish I could get at least that right. Today. Before today is too hard to paddle against.

STOP.
~~

Link up with Lisa-Jo and take the time to write without boundary, without edit, without restriction.

Today I'm not left completely soothed. There's just too deep of water in my rocky heart. Yet I always, always need reminding of the realness of the love I am under. The tangible portions I was created for.

What are your words today? One thing I do know, there are never enough perspectives in this world for how to trust our Father more deeply, How to surrender more completely into His arms. I could use reminding. How about you?

0:00:00

2012-02-08T12:15:00.001-05:00

Every day is 0:00:00.
It always starts clean. New. Untouched.
It starts over.

So often, I worry that I've wasted each of those ticking seconds.
When I could have done so much more by the time I see 23:59:59.

And it's an insulting lie - to everything I did do that day. To everyone with whom I spoke. To every laugh that recklessly left my lips, every crinkle my eyes formed in understanding, comprehension or even confusion. To every item I held in my hands with intentional care. To every hug.

I wish knowing a lie was a lie was enough to never hear it again.

I am a self-saboteur. A deprecator. A bencher of my own story.
I am supposed to be FREE from fruitlessness.

I am promised prosper. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I am promised life. (John 10:10b)

I am promised freedom. (Galatians 5:1)

So I want to live in such freedom, and emancipate from my own binding.

The lies that may never stop coming this side of eternity,

but I have antidote for every falsehood. I have truth.

And hopefully we can rest assured, knowing what truth does.

Timing: When to wait, when to act?

2012-01-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

I wish I could tell you I have the answer to the question posed by this post's title.

Truth is, I have no idea what is right or when it's right.

I'm writing, because I wish I knew.

The past few days, I've been thinking about:
- Moses striking the rock and water pouring forth.
- The Israelites going to Aaron, tired of waiting for Moses, and
fashioning golden calves to worship.
- Peter cutting off the Roman guard's ear.

Weird and random, I know. And actually, the ear one just came to me now. It fits though.

You see - I'm at an impasse. I have been, multiple times, here in this "in-between".

I wrote what seems like a lifetime ago of a celebration amidst a deep, twisted valley.
I got a break.
It was a breaking ray of light, shattering thickened, rolling clouds.
It was an answer to months of pleaded prayer.
It lasted for a short season. Four months. (I never updated that fact.) Yet I cannot deny the joy, relief and provision it provided. I am forever grateful for that time.

Before that celebration, I dreamed of the "one day"s that seemed so far in the distance.
I did find relief from such distress. It was two months later when the four great months of work came.
But the thing about seasons - they come around again and again.
The cyclical motion of everydays.

I again dream of "if one day"...

I reminisce because these are two examples, among many, where timing was pivotal.

In Exodus 31, the Word reveals Moses interacting with God Himself; at the end of their time together on the mountain, God gave Moses two tablets. These tablets of commandments' sole purpose was to bring freedom and life to God's people. God knew exactly what His chosen needed. And He knew when they needed it.
Except, in the beginning of Exodus 32, the direction shifts back to the valley. To a people who are always restless. Always in fear of the wrong thing. The Israelites had been delivered, redeemed, repaired from a broken life, fed, protected, and promised abundant future. But they got antsy.
Moses was up on a mountain. They couldn't see what was happening. MUCH time had indeed passed. So they decided they knew of a better plan. "Making things happen on their own." They went to Aaron, Moses's brother, and asked him to help them build their own idols to depend on. Sadly, Aaron obliged. He too, got antsy. He lost his focus.

I encourage you to read more about that. Also, visit Numbers, chapter 20 to read up on Moses and the water from the rock. As well, Peter's misguided zeal is recorded in John 18:1-11.

The reason I've been pondering these events lately, is because I do not want my impasse to be cause for me to prematurely act. I want to wait for the LORD, be courageous and wait.

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness

of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage;

yes, wait for the LORD."

(Psalm 27:13-14, NASB)

But I also want to act in His name. I want to trust His ways and step into them. I do not want fear to hold me at bay when my feet are called to walk.

"You will hear a voice behind you saying,

"This is the way. Follow it, whether it turns to the right or to the left."

(Isaiah 31:21, GWT)

The bottom line, is to trust.

This is the end result.

If I truly trust Him to do His will in my life, then I have to trust that what He wills WILL come to pass. I just have to surrender myself, my obsession with wanting to do everything "just right", and know that if a door is open, He opened it; if it's closed, He has closed it. Just put one foot in front of the other and go until there is a "stop".

A good friend reminds me of this often. She encourages with truth and experience.

And honestly, when I think back on my history, on my life and the ways God has directed me, I see this step-by-step process again and again. It's how He works with me most often.

When I left school, my roommates, and my city -- thinking I was taking a giant God step into the mission field - the once open doors, closed. He taught me patience.

When I enrolled in school once again, graduated with a new degree, and moved across the country to pursue the degree's direction - the once open doors changed their course. They stayed open, but the destination looked very different. He taught me faith.

When I moved back to my home state and I thought the season would have an addition of part time employment - obstacles came and doors closed again. He taught me to rely.

He never wastes an opportunity to speak into my life. Through my friends. Through my experiences. Through losses and gains. Through His Word. Through His Son.

So I may not have answered my original question: when do I wait and when do I act? Still, I already feel calmer. I feel more equipped. My trust is strengthening here, and when I go to this next place, this next phase, He will strengthen my spirit all the more.

Because I believe His promise:

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6, NASB)

"Now the God of peace, ...[will] equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ," (Hebrews 13:20a,21, NASB)

So. What do you think?

I was encouraged by my dear friend.

Let's continue to encourage one another!

Plugging Into Great Resources, Part 1

2012-01-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

On Friday, I was participating in Lisa-Jo's weekly prompt. In my post, I expressed my desire to connect with other participants. Fellow bloggers who yearn for the creative push each week, or even those trying it for the first time.

My point is that I want to seek out more. I want to "introduce" myself to you, fellow writer, fellow chaser of the passionate dream, fellow liver of life.

Because we each have a voice.

And together, we make a louder voice.

Let that sound be one of motivation.
Of a cheering squad.
Of heads nodding in understanding, confirming none of us are alone.

So...in honor of that belief - that yearning for supporting one another - I wanted to highlight the generous, talented woman who stopped by Friday. They took the time to read one small voice. They left what they may think are small words of "hello, nice to 'meet' you", but indeed were encouragements so dear to me, I have to take the time to show my appreciation somehow.

For it means more than just a small amount to me.

Because maybe I'm one of the someones who needs to remember
she's not alone.
That one voice does not have to be drowned out to insignificance.
That God created His sons and daughters to proclaim powerful truths, not quiet lies.

So I'm linking up to the pages of these beautiful women. To show not only my gratitude, but to highlight their voices as well. Each individual person has a distinct message to share. God created us so. We are unique. We are part of one Body, but many members. He sees our individualities - for He fashioned each one. So please, if you're taking precious time to read my post (of which I am humble by, believe me!), then take just a few moments more and click on each of the sites below and take a peek at some lovely words of truth. Each woman is significant and amazing. It will be easy to see why. This is how I can say "thank you". From my heart, to these words, to hopefully your visit. Let's encourage one another!

* Jennifer, it's because you took the time to type words of discovery.
* Ashley, it's because you took the time to generously share a new voice
* Denise, it's because you you took the time to type words of understanding.
* Amy, it's because you took the time to type words of unity - how we sisters can relate.
* Brandy, it's because you took the time to type words of bravery on your blog, and to return a "hello".
* Cassi, it's because you took the time to type appreciation of descriptive language & artistic beauty. We share that joy.
* Kariss, it's because you took the time to type words of vulnerability in your own life, & visit me as well.

Ladies, I thank you today specifically. You brightened my entire week with your words, your visits, and your eyes graciously reading my own sentences. You are encouragement in practice.

I know there are so many more of us out there - authors of our experiences, partakers in the sojourn of worship for a Savior. I want to keep this "Plugging In" going strong. I want there to be a Part 2, 3, 10. I think when we acknowledge one another - when we take moments from our own involvement to recognize all the members of this great Body we're in, that then we are continuing His work of love and edification.

"Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing."

(1 Thessalonians 5:11, Amplified)

Be Strong

2012-01-14T10:44:00.002-05:00

Have no fear.

          You are not alone.

When you may feel abandonded - that people always leave;
      When you may feel irrelevant - as if relating to someone seems a fictional artform;
            When you may feel dejected - as if all you touch crumbles in the dust of failure;
                  When you may feel angry - though you cannot pinpoint the reason why;

Or a myriad of the other emotions which life on this earth can breed and produce...

Do not fear.

"Do not fear them, for the LORD your God is the one fighting for you."

(Deuteronomy 3:22)

"The LORD is the One who goes ahead of you; He will be with you.

He will not fail you or forsake you.

Do not fear or be dismayed."

(Deuteronomy 31:8)

"Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today."

(Exodus 14:13b)

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

(Isaiah 41:10)

Fear is one of the most crippling deformations. It poisons our limbs, our minds, our hearts. It stagnates what was always meant to thrive: our lives.
I cannot pretend that I know nothing of the subject. My confession: I've allowed fear to blockade my way in countless directions. I've felt every emotion/thought listed at the beginning of this post. I've replaced faith with terror and thus have not only taken myself out of the game - I've left my equipment, left the field, and continued to run far away...all in the name of cowardice. I've felt and thought almost all you can imagine.

I point a finger at no one else. This is my sin. My disfigured allowance at attempting life.

And still He calls me. Genuine.
He tells me who I am and Whose I am.

"Come. Stand. I am strength for you.

Stop your fear.

I AM."

There are promises for His children.

Shelter - Psalm 91:1

Deliverance - Psalm 18:2

Rescue - Colossians 1:13

Complete love, wholeness - Romans 8:35, 37-39

Strength - 1 Peter 5:10

Still more and more abound - the gifts He gives to His own. I am working on faith. I'm embarrassed to say, that even though I have been His believer and child for over 2 decades - my faith is elementary. Oh sure, at differing seasons I've had stronger convictions. Knowing in fuller force His might, desire and capability.

The tragedy is that I have seen the Spirit, mighty and gentle at the same time, surrounding me until all I can feel is held - even at the bottom of a pit. I've seen and felt His genuine presence of love, and yet still I let lies become louder. Still there are seasons of forget and unnecessary wandering - when all my Father wants is for me to come home.

Perhaps you are in a similar situation. Maybe this is a season where the dissonance of doubt is clanging. First, know that you are not ever alone.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,

for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

(Deuteronomy 31:6, emphasis mine)

Let us remind ourselves (I'll do it too, because I know I need to stick close to the truth of His Word and His promises!)
that we are kept. (Psalm 121:1-3)

We are held. (Psalm 37:23-24)

We are loved with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

I wish I could say that from this day forward, I'll never let fear rule me again....

but I'm a sinner.

a darkened, wretched, constant sinner.

BUT GOD redeemed me from the miry clay.

He set my feet upon the rock.

He put a new song in my mouth.
(Read Psalm 40 and rejoice!)

All because of Christ.

For you.

For me.

Let us go and surrender all fear to Him, and see what He can do.

5 Minute Friday - AWAKE

2012-01-13T09:12:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I've joined up with Lisa-Jo and the many other writers who celebrate Friday for a writing rejuvenation. It's 5 minute Friday time! It's a place where you're invited to take 5 minutes (actually take a timer out and let the minutes tick to 5), take the writing prompt word, and just let your fingers loose. Unhook your mind from any restrictions, any 6th grade English rules prevent a run-on sentence, and just WRITE. There's no editing on a 5 minute Friday. It's raw, real and ready to welcome you.

I've missed it.

So today, Lisa-Jo gives us the word AWAKE

I begin my stopwatch...
GO.

I think of this word, and I think of intended action.

To be awake, one usually needs to be alert - focused on what's happening around them. Right? I mean, it's the opposite of eyes-closed, deep breathing, under-covers dreamland.

But in confession - sometimes I don't know, if based on that school of thought, how often I'm really awake.

I feel as if I walk through seasons of my life where there is a filter of haze - of eggshell-white fog gliding around, everywhere I look.

My eyes are open.
But my awareness is unclear.

I feel as if I were really awake, then I'd have a better focus on things. I'd have all the ten thousand objects others have, juggled better. I wouldn't be wandering through an uncertain desert, watching life snail by.

But then I know the truth in my heart - that life looks different for everyone.

Intentionally.

That God did not create drones or puppets - but that He is a Master of creativity. Of color. Of hue and difference immeasurable.

My life wasn't created to look like hers. Or his. Or Theirs.

My life was made and fashioned for me. For my Potter's dreams of what this lump of clay could do for His glory.

So I blink my eyes open a few more thousand times - and I focus harder.
And the vision clears.
Because my eyes meet His. And suddenly I know...I am awake.

STOP.

If you've never done one of Lisa-Jo's prompts, I encourage you

link up,

visit other bloggers' pages,

let your mind loose

and just write.

It's what we're all here for. And sharing our lives across convention and miles

is the beauty of all this.

I invite you.

Let me know who you are. I'll stop by and read, comment and encourage you today.

It would make me very happy!

What can I say?

2012-01-11T10:57:00.002-05:00

Let me know if I'm the only one who can say to myself: "What do you have to say that's so special? What could you add to all the thoughts already out there, that could make a difference or encourage what hasn't already been encouraged?"

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had these and similar thoughts run circles through my mind. Freezing up the pencil, keeping the keys from clicking.

Still, I confess, it gets the best of me so very often.

I don't write regularly anymore.
Oh how I used to.

And I wrote for me. For God's eyes and my heart. To better understand the world around me. To better understand myself. I know there's nothing wrong with that - it is where joy came from, all illegible until syllables became sense. Yet I wanted to continue in this passion of writing more than just once in a while, as an afterthought. I wanted to wrap my life around it, like a blanket that never shreds, always keeping comfort locked within its fibers.

So I studied it more. I obtained a degree in it. And here I am...avoiding the opportunities to breathe through it's oxygen-giving leaves. Because of fears.
Because of excuses.
Because I don't want to fail anymore.

But what is failure?
Some say it's only definition is the absence of trying.

Think upon that.

Does it change your perspective?

If I let it, it can finally change mine.

"And sorrow and sighing will flee away..."

2011-12-15T16:22:00.000-05:00

"I, even I, am HE who comforts you

   Who are you...that you have forgotten the LORD your Maker,

Who s t r e t c h e d out the heavens
   and laid out the foundations of the earth,

   That you fear continually all day long
   because of the fury of the oppressor,
   as he makes ready to destroy?

...The exile will soon be set free, and will not die in the dungeon, nor will his bread be lacking.

For I am the LORD your God,

who stirs up the sea and its waves roar

(the LORD of hosts is His name)

I have put My words in your mouth and have covered you with the shadow of my hand...

'You are My people.'"

(Isaiah 51:11e, 12a, 13-16)

God placed these words on the tongue of Isaiah, His prophet. Isaiah speaks directly to Israelites - God's chosen people.

In a study I was part of last year, we began differentiating between promises that are universally applied to each believer by the recording of Scripture, and the promises that were specific and unique for a man, woman or group in biblical history which would not necessarily apply to you or I today. (Example: God telling Abraham his descendants would outnumber the stars, isn't a promise I can claim for myself and my future family directly. Yet the promise in Philippians 1:6, "that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus" I believe is meant for all of us who declare Jesus as Lord and Savior.)

Without getting too much into theological query, I bring this point up because when I read passages like the one in Isaiah, I believe I'm allowed to find personal comfort in this. I believe the Spirit chooses to reveal more of The Father's blessing, truth and will through the power of His word. I am not an Israelite. I am not a direct descendant of Abraham. Yet though I proclaim my need for a Savior, and because I have put my hope and faith in my Creator, His Son, and His Spirit, I am now adopted into His chosen people. (Romans 8:14-17) Each of us who calls Him Abba, Father, become heirs.

I am abundantly sidetracked in my weariness. I pull the blankets of confusion and fear tightly over my head and bury deep between the sheets. I tremble in the unknown and have become the immobile. Rather than continue each step on the pebbled path of the narrow road marked for me, I cower to the ground, gather my knees up to my chest, and rock back and forth - letting fright disable.

I need Him.

I need to surrender.

I need to throw off the cloaks of the hindering terror.

I am His people. I will not die in the dungeon of an uncertain future. My bread has never been lacking. Be it manna or milk - I am given sufficient grace every single day.

Beth Moore educated me that the most repetitive command God gives His people in the ENTIRE stretch of Scripture is "Do not fear!"

So it must not just be me then? Everyone fears, right? I know Joshua and I are kindred spirits in that. How much my Father has been having to tell me "Be strong and courageous". For He is ever-present.

So, I will go to my King, in search of more courage. I, a cowardly lioness. He, my merciful Maker, reminding me that I will always have His strength surging inside of me, by His Comforter, Counselor - Holy Spirit.

I take His promise as mine to receive. I take His love as mine to wear.

I take His forgiveness as mine to so desperately and repeatedly need.

I Admire You

2011-11-30T12:39:00.001-05:00

You.
   Who day after day, night after shortened night, always rise from beneath the covers, put feet to floor, and love your daughter more than anyone ever could. You breathe life into her with your hugs, your attention, your delight in who she is. You, who sometimes forgets that no one could be a better mother to her - no one on the face of this planet neither past, present, nor future could be better fashioned to walk life through with her. Nor could another be the mother to a beautiful baby boy who stands in the glory of the Father's presence, seeing the family God created him to be a part of forever, not just limited to earth. You are his mother. Always. Intentionally planned this way. Without error.

You.
   Who has worked every day of your adult existence, to provide a life for your family - for those you love, in utter selflessness - in complete sacrificial adoration. You are a pillar of strength, never forsaking your loves. You cannot find the end of your wellspring of affection. You pour, pour, and pour more - never holding back support, guidance. Never holding back your hand to hold, your arms to wrap around in comfort. It has never mattered, the measure you have. You give every ounce. Keeping nothing for yourself except your praise and faith in the Ultimate Father. You model him better than anyone could hope for.

You.
   Who has a faith built on solid rock. Who has never claimed to be perfect, who has always claimed to be lost, yet ever-redeemed. You model bravery, hope, continued trust. Your ears are ever-open to receive. You arms remain extended. You never turn away a member of the Body whom you gloriously give thanks to be within. You never judged me, or told me how to improve - never told me to be quieter or to calm down. You welcomed me fully into an unfamiliar place. You warmed my confusion with words of truth, you gave my feelings validation instead of scorn. You reassured me of what to strive for and Who to look to for justification. We have a kindred spirit between us, and I cannot express how greatly I value your immense wisdom and understanding. You help me see more of who He is shaping me to be.

And even though we've never met, I admire someone like you...
You.
      Who follows the path laid before you. Who lives each day in the choices that shape you. You choose love over hatred. Peace over dissension. You understand that you will never be perfect, but that you are given 24 hours each day to make new - to choose wisely. And on the days when you fall, you forgive yourself for you know you live under constant forgiveness and sanctification. I know there are many someones like you. I am working each day to become more like this. So I admire you, your ability to run the race in perseverance.

You.
   Who provides for your family in every way you can imagine. Who may not be living the dream you always imagined, yet you work diligently where you're planted. You learn to bloom and thrive wherever you are, even if it's not where you expected. You practice integrity. You value honesty. You see true beauty, not manufactured. You communicate and give patience out as freely as a handshake. You make time for your children, your family. You teach what it means to be dependable, responsible, honorable - simply by living your life by the grace you've been given.

You.
   Who has a dream. Who has opened your trembling palm to the Maker of your soul, giving over your dream. Who realizes that anything He has planned will far exceed your expectations or desires. You, who knows that bringing Him your heart, doesn't mean losing yourself. Instead, it brings absolute knowledge to who you were meant to be. You find out, palm open, what it means to live - to be free. You use your talents, without allowing fear to paralyze you. You realize we are all members of the same body, and though you may be a hand, you cannot say "I am not needed, for I'm merely a hand, not a foot, or eye. Being a hand surely isn't good enough." (See 1 Corinthians 12. Particularly verses 14-26.) I especially admire you - because He is thoroughly trying to bring me to this particular peace. I've yet to take up residence in this place God has built for me. Keep your eye heavenward - on the only prize worth fighting for. Keep enduring for the Kingdom. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Who do you admire?
   Why?

Take some time to tell them, won't you?

C O M E

2011-10-24T14:09:00.000-04:00

This morning was veiled in ivory fog, lasting into soft hours.

With some gifted time, I folded my legs on the couch of the back porch, put pencil to paper, and even opened Scripture without provocation. A tough confession - this was the first time in a while the brown leather binding was creased ajar in order that I could sip the words He has for me.

Yet before these, I found myself slipping into something I save for rare occasions in nature and in silent spaces: I quietly sang praises to the mist. I have vivid, specific memories of sitting on bare rock, with no other sound save the sifting of wind through leaves and the fluttering of birdsong. Colorado, Vermont, Rhode Island, camping trips and early mornings. I find my soul bubbling in the "Nature Meetings" where it's me and Him. Our place. My favorite basins of peace.

I have much to be thankful for today.

The listening ear of a selfless friend

as I hesitate through tears and vulnerability of the past.

The blanket of a hazy morning.

The words of old hymns.

The memories of finding myself in the Presence.

The words of encouragement.

The melodies of medicinal music.

I don't have and abundance of linear thoughts today.

But I wanted to share some of the lyrics to the praise that found it's way out of my heart this morning. To be reminded of truth is a joy unlike any other. I was given that today in more than one way. This can be my attempt at continuing to pass it along.

"All who are thirsty, all who are weak

Come to the fountain

Dip your heart in the stream of life

Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away

In the waves of His mercy

As deep cries out to deep

c o m e Lord Jesus c o m e

c o m e Lord Jesus c o m e"

Taken at Rockport, MA, last fall.

There are more songs

more memories

more ways to remember not to hide, run, hesitate

to remember love over disdain, light over darkness.

There is more. There is sunrise. There are moments of peace that stay with us. May I nourish myself on them. May I consume the living water. May I rejoice in the lifting up of praise, to the One who lifts me up from the pit.

Poetic Justice

2011-10-12T10:50:00.001-04:00

Whenever I read a piece of Psalms, I'm washed with peace, transcending the failings of disobedience and the disloyalty of staying absent from My Maker.

   The flow, rhythm, syllabic orchestration of the psalms
   speak to my creativity and passion for poetry...allowing all the pretense, guilt, and self condemnation to melt with every couplet - every declaration of emotion.

If only that feeling could last.

There is a surefire way to overcome your fears, your insecurities. It's guaranteed, will never expire, and you can do it anywhere and use it as many times as you want. Are you ready for the secret?

Stop thinking about yourself.

Think instead, of the Alpha Omega.

Think not on how you fall short, how you fail, how you screwed everything up yet again, how you drip hubris every day, how surely ~ everyone is on the brink of walking away from you with pleasure, because you really and truly are too much to take.

Stop.

Think on other things instead.

Think of what is

true

honorable

right

pure

lovely

admirable

excellent

praiseworthy

dwell on these.

Because then, εἰρήνης [peace] will join you, accompanying you each hour, each day.

When I am reminded of who The Great I Am is, then the fault line shifts from the unstable focus of me-me-me, to the solid rock of Him.

His character is literally my rescue. My salvation. My only hope.

And it is Psalms that so beautifully returns my focus, so quickly alters my perspective. The poets' words sink into my soul more quickly than most other ways. It is a kindred adoration for the descriptive language - how truth can be a melody and harmony at the same time.

"Bless the LORD, O my soul,

and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

Bless the LORD, O my soul,

and forget none of His benefits;

who pardons all your iniquities,

who heals all your diseases;

who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;

who satisfies your years with good things...

For He Himself knows our frame;

He is mindful that we are but dust."

(Psalm 103:1-5a, 14)

He is aware

that I am fallible and shaky.

Moveable as dust in the wind of uncertainty.

That is why He IS who He is.

Because who I am is dust.

I am not, nor was I ever made to be enough on my own.

I was built by bone and earth to need constant contact with Him.

When I feel empty, as if life is missing from me, it is because I am apart from Him. Because I have taken Him out of my equation and I cannot be solved without adding Him back in. I cannot be proved without the shed blood of His Only.

"The LORD is gracious and merciful;

slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.

The LORD is good to all,

and His mercies are over all His works...

The LORD sustains those who fall

and raises up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to You,

and You give them their food in due time.

You open Your hand

and satisfy the desire of every living thing.

The LORD is righteous in all His ways

and kind in all His deed.

The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,

to all who call upon Him in truth.

He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;

He will also hear their cry and will save them.

The LORD keeps all who love Him"

(Psalm 145: 8-9, 14-20a)

When I see, feel, taste, hear, touch the complete character of The Father, Architect of all life, my senses have no room left to think about my hamartia. All my energy is used to connect back to what is missing in me. It is used to see Him instead.

Justice.

Poetry used to give my waning heart justice.

Absolution from the bully of the fallen world. From myself.

To borrow from Paul,

I in no way have this accomplished.

There are no tightly knotted bows over my life nor in my spirituality.

I am a continuer of grace-drinking.

I need the elixir of mercy every minute of every hour. Again and again.

I'm the one who needs to stop thinking of myself.

This is why I'm here. To let syllables and sentences guide me back to truth.

I write. Then I learn.

How do you learn?

What aspect of His being do you need reminding of today?

Spirit is willing...(but?)

2011-09-10T10:34:00.000-04:00

Today, I was given two choices for a word. Both were pretty great words for a topic. I will use the other choice very soon, but I gravitated toward one pretty quickly, and it's shaping up to be a theme of not only this day, but my life and it's ever-changing phases...

Willing

GO.

The verse "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" could not be more eloquent when describing the life of a believer, on this side of Home.

I find that I have this heart and spirit filled with "will" and "wish" and "if only". Yet the "coming-to-fruition" part I always hear others referring to has managed to dodge me for decades.

That could be an unfair summary, for I know some portions of my life have come full circle. There is completeness to many areas God has taken me through.

It's merely that I often find myself so willing and hoping

that some facets could reach new heights.

In certain ways.

It goes back to trust. Because as a person, I enjoy change, adventure, spontaneity. I prefer them and get antsy and irritated with the opposites of these. Yet I have yet to truly surrender the areas of my life where the willing won't match up with the fruition.

For I know God has a plan for fruit in my life.

Plans to prosper (in the ways He has orchestrated),

not to harm. To give me, take me to - HOPE.

So I stand here, willing. Yearning desperately for the next level of walking past the "uncertain roads ahead!" sign that I usually use as an excuse to turn back.

Though it seems small - one step I can take, and have taken, is the (in)courage (in)RL ["in" Real Life] (un)conference. I have big hopes concerning this community and I always seem to hesitate and turn back at the "uncertain road ahead!" marker. But with this conference, I'm one step past that sign. I'm one step deeper into being both willing and active, instead of willing and weak.

He is strong. He makes me strong. He gives me

L i f e

STOP.

What signs do you need to venture past? I would be honored to hear. Help me know I'm not the only one? :)

Replenish

2011-09-09T09:12:00.000-04:00

Today, I don't have much to add outside of the writing prompt. I forgot yesterday's, but it was a creative day nonetheless...we picked up four books each at a bookstore's closeout! So, I was excited through that find.

I'm still thinking on yesterday's post a bit. I can't pinpoint exactly why or how, but I there are reasons that I am needing to dwell on those thoughts. I suppose that will be revealed in time as well.

These prompts will not always produce something extraordinary, nor may it largely impact my day or thought process. Sometimes however, it will. On the days where it's "nothing altering", I still give thanks, because it means I wrote. I took the time to process, to work the deteriorating muscle that has long suffered from atrophy. This process takes so much diligence, dedication, and persistence. I am not instantly great at any of those. So I give thanks for good friends who will encourage me to continue to walk in this. Each day, for however long. I give thanks for the sweet words of support along the way. I give thanks for the One who instilled this passion in me from the beginning.

So today, Kristin gave me the word: REPLENISH

GO.

   A beautifully sounding word - it rolls off the tongue. I know it's meaning, and yet I feel the essence has alluded me for so long.

   I think of a stock of a much needed supply -
   metal for World War II, needed replenishing.
   Water in Texas, desperately needs replenishing.
   Money for our economy, food for the poor,
   aide for impoverished people around the world -
   all could use some major replenishing.

   It deals in life-changing provisions. It seems to mean something entirely unique, separate from restore, or refill, or restock. It carries an ere of peace alongside. As if the end result is accompanied by an audible sigh of relief from distress. A moment where breathing can begin again, for it had long been held...waiting for hope to ripen.

   Thus, this must be for my life. My heart. I need the essence of all replenish brings to bring newness and an era where my cup runneth over. I don't mean through tangible, worldly supply, but I need the replenish of His peace. His love. His movement in my life. And it all starts with my ability to let Him move. To allow the changes to come.

STOP.

Are the Chains really gone?

2011-09-07T11:35:00.000-04:00

Last night, community group resonated thoughts Kristin and I were having earlier that day. I love when that happens. For it seems to me, as if God is giving a seeming "wink-and-nod" towards something He wishes me to dwell on. And that makes me feel closer to Him. So I appreciate those "coincidental" moments.

On another note, just now I caught a glimpse of Mary Kathryn's post about broken chains. (Quick plug, I've never met Mary, and I'm pretty sure we've never even spoken through "typing", but I adore the name of her blog, Beauty For Ashes, more than I can describe. It's one of the most meaningful songs for me, and the words and truth behind the concept have made a tremendous impact in my life, especially within the year and a half.)

Her post today was titled "Broken Chains". She focused on Romans 6:1-11, promising to come share more thoughts in relation to that passage later. It was a very good passage to be reminded of. Yet it is her title that captures my attention and sticks to my mind today.

For CHAINS is a noun, a concept, a force that I am very familiar with.

It has played a large role in my inner correspondence with God, with my own way of processing, with my view of so much in relation to myself.

So I am using this chance encounter with Mary Kathryn's blog, with this title

as fuel for today's word. Kristin is still generously willing to provide me with words

for creative flow and helping me get "back on the horse", but today -

this is the needed topic for me.

So here's today's 5 minute, no pause exercise: Chains

GO.

Despite choosing this topic...my fingers stall at the remembrance - the significance of this word in my life.

Chains define a large part of me. There is a dark, musty prison where I chain myself to the wall of immobility. The shackles of insignificance. The stone floor of never-good-enough.

The chains of lies are thick, twisted pounds of metal, keeping us, as believers, locked in a cycle of disqualification. Because when we believe the sentence charged against us - the lies that swarm as angry hornets, unrelenting...we choose to become deaf to the warming truth bursting through the pebbles.

I say CHOOSE here because it is a choice. It's a choice I make when I let the hurt drive my life. When I let the pain, the jabs of life, the enemy's plan - discount my value in His Kingdom. Because His truth always, always, always wins. He has won. My chains are GONE, I've been set FREE....WHY WHY can't I live freely? Why must I climb back down the dungeon steps as if there were no Love greater than my mess?

STOP.

My time was up quickly...it was hard to stop where I was.

I know this may be a little heavy for a Wednesday - but don't we all sometimes stagger against the heavy once-in-a-while? Don't you have a day or a few days in a row where the yoke certainly feels anything but light? I doubt I am alone here, but even if I am - I choose to focus on the only thing I am required to do - trust in Him. Place all my value, worth, capability in His hands, because He made my hands, my feet, my easily-breakable heart, my sensitive nature, my clumsy mouth...I am not required to be perfect. I am not required to pretzel myself into submission as I so often do (by MY choice, no one else's power - because no one can force me to act, react or behave a certain way. I place myself under foot sometimes. I contort myself by my command. I am never forced).

I am called by only One voice that I am to listen, hear, & believe: my Jehovah Jireh. The Alpha Omega. The Creator of life - life which He holds precious and valuable, no matter how I may forget, how I mistakenly label it.

If I am forgetting the truth, then by mercy, get it back! Go to the source, Leigh.

I know where to find it. I know what to do. I believe...

It's time to stop fidgeting. Stop delaying. Stop this irrational fear that I'll never get there.

That I'm bound for the wandering. For the forever desert.

That's a lie.

Say

out loud -

"Lie"

Every day is an opportunity to try. To continue to walk. Confession: I don't always take that opportunity. I don't always try. Sometimes I just sit in that chained position, without the desire or strength to fight.

But let's get some truth in to mend this confession -

"God is our refuge and strength, [we don't have to possess the strength]

a very present help in trouble. [always there, never having left]

Therefore we will not fear [we should not], though the earth should change

and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;

...Cease striving [Be still] and know that I am God"

(Psalm 46:1-2,10a, emphasis/additions mine)

"He only is my rock and my salvation,

my stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken...

My soul, wait in silence for God only,

for my hope is from Him...

Trust in Him at all times...pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for [you]."

(Psalm 62:2, 5, 8, emphasis/addition mine)

"The steps of a man are established by the LORD,

and He delights in his way.

When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,

because the LORD is the One who holds his hand."

(Psalm 37:23-24, emphasis mine)

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself."

(Matthew 6:33-34)

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,

I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength;

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

He enables me to go on the heights."

(Habakkuk 3:18-19, NIV)

How I need truth every day. I want the freedom He has already given me. I want to live in that. My prayer is that He enable me with that strength - for it cannot come from me. I have none. He gives His beauty for my ash. Allelujah.

The Discipline of Joy

2011-09-06T08:12:00.001-04:00

Maintenance is required to keep anything alive. Care, nurturing, attention...these are vital in the continuance of life, of thriving.

This applies to anything that moves, breathes, changes, adapts....think deeply about how this could apply for you. It might not take very long for you to come to a conclusion.

For me, it's writing.

My deep longing for this act, creates the understanding that this verb is indeed alive, changing, flowing through the course of my life. I often actively ignore that this passion requires my attention. My cultivation. Because I've seen the joy that once overflowed around it, wither to parched, cracked ground - in desperate need for a drink.

It's that simple. Give it regard, give it acknowledgment. Nourish it and stop ignoring the importance it has on my life. This is what I try to remind myself with...yet so often it falls on deaf ears. The motivation leaked away with the fruit of its fervor.

So I know how I need to start making time for it again. Every Day. If that means rising early, before the sun, then I'm to take the commitment and the steps needed to do it. Because it is that ingrained into not only who I am, but who I truly, wholeheartedly believe God created me to be and is continuing to shape me into becoming.

Enter my dear friend. She knows I used to enjoy the helpful prompts of Lisa-Jo's Five Minute Fridays, and so Kristin declared that she would give me a word a day, for my own continuation of prompts, if that's what it took to get me going again. Talk about a lifeboat. It's the perfect ingredient for baking the joy right back in.

Because sometimes, it is a discipline. Sometimes, when the luster has faded off of your shiny treasure, a good amount of sweat and elbow grease IS what it will take to restore the shine.
And the work will be worth it.

And so, the word she gave me today is PATIENCE.

"That'll be a good one for you today," is what she says. She is very wise, I'll tell you that. :)

So here goes...5 minutes, without stopping. Flowing out, without over-thinking.

GO...

I'm sure there is much I could contemplate on when it comes to patience. Patience for the morning to come. Patience for sleep to revive. Patience for the little annoyances that flow through each day for us all...

Yet if I'm openly honest, the greatest need for patience application goes directly to myself.

Learning how to stop. breathe. accept. whatever it is that's going on in my own life.

I did not create myself. These freckles weren't designed by my eye, this personality was hand-picked for my enjoyment. I have a Maker. I have a Carpenter. I have a Spirit who went into the chemistry of me. I would think, that knowing that - would provide me with reverence instead of confusion and disbelief.

I would think i would be able to have the appreciation for His work, for mostly that is how I operate - able to stand forever in nature and stand astounded at His glorious hand. Yet patience, acceptance of "good work", understanding - when it comes to myself....LOST. Stolen somehow. Misplaced.

Not how it is intended. Not how I am called to respond to His gift, His careful construction of one of His own.

Patience.

I'm still learning what it means....so much of how to hold it out, hold it within, hold it. And look through it's lenses to see the ever elusive end-result: TRUTH.

STOP.

I know....

2011-08-10T14:52:00.003-04:00

I keep trying to think of something to say. Something to write.

I've started over 3 times already...
   I just don't have any knowledge...any focus...anymore.

Maybe I'm distracted.

Maybe I'm void of creative energy.

Maybe I'm just exhausted.

Maybe I have nothing to say after all.

   I don't know. I don't know much.

But here's what I do know - I know I've been harboring on the negative more than the positive for so long. Not for lack of trying, or being unaware of what I'm doing. I realize I should be seeing the positive instead. It's not difficult for me, most days. Yet, there is a constant stipulation in my life: my perspective on others is usually healthy, observant, intuitive - while my perspective on my myself is usually pessimistic, warped, unforgiving and bewildered. (*Notice I say "usually", not always. For in both accounts, I can certainly get it different from time to time.)

   I remember an assignment in high school. It was AP English, Mr. Pogue's class. We were asked to fill an entire sheet of notebook paper (I believe it was on one side only, any former classmates can help me out here with the details) with "what I know". Some wrote in extra small letters, to fit it all on. Some wrote pretty largely, to fill it up quicker. I can't remember my handwriting practice...it was probably somewhere in between. It was a good assignment though. It caused us to think of what it is that we do know. Mr. Pogue may have even asked us to use the other side to write what we don't know.

But I just thought of this again, because sometimes it's completely necessary to remind ourselves of what we do know. Of truth anyway. Because if I just think about what I know...there is a grand possibility that what I "know" won't be necessarily truth as well. That's a list I could write pretty quickly actually -- lie-drenched knowledge. I'm a jack-of-trades in that.

   So because I have no desire to, because I don't feel like doing it, because I'd rather do something else less invasive and more evasive, because I have a stubborn will and rebellious spirit and an understanding of what I ought to do even though my flesh fights ferociously against it...because of all this, despite of all this - here's what I know:

I know Texas is hotter than imagination in the summer.
I know the upper East coast has more snow that they have space to dump it in the winter.
I know the sun rises in the East and sets in the West.
I know the stars outnumber my imagination and captivate my attention.
I know forgiveness is miraculous and understanding is stupefying.
I know an intent, listening ear is as heroic as saving a life.
I know there is a Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
I know God formed the sun and the moon with mere syllables.
I know Jesus Christ is fully God and became fully man to endure a fully terrible fate that I may live without fear. That I may live abundantly - reattached to Him for my sin ruptured what was meant to be whole. Therefore he restored the broken. He finished the striving.
I know I need to learn so much more about the Holy Spirit. But I know that I'm thirsty for the revelations of His ways.
I know that I am hopelessly incomplete.
I know I feel that every day.
I know I'm not close enough to my Savior.
I know I cannot always comprehend how even though I KNOW this FREE gift of grace is for ALL who come to Him, I often cannot own and apply this truth in my own life.
I know that seems hypocritical.
I know I need help.
I know I have no idea how to ask for help. From anyone. Even from Him.
I know I am broken.
I know I am not alone, even though I cannot remember how to feel un-alone.
I know a rock by a stream in view of a mountain peak surrounded by the noises of the inhabitants of the trees and the wind rustling the leaves, is my literal heaven on earth. My peaceful place. My instant joy and calm.
I know because I am still waking with the sun, still inhaling and exhaling, that there is some reason (albeit completely unbeknownst to me as to WHY), a purpose, a plan for how I can be used. Glorifying myself is laughable and the biggest waste of time. I don't want to need that. It is abundantly pointless. But if I am breathing to bring glory to Him somehow - even if I can't see or know the ways where, how, why, who, or when - then I need to give thanks for that breath. Nothing less. I need to ask to be prepared. Begging to be dragged over the coals again and again, so the purpose can be fulfilled. So when the race IS over, I can hear "well done, good and faithful servant." So I can collapse into His arms as the angels sing my homecoming.

Please, please....what do YOU know? Share with me? Do me the honor of learning more, through you. I could use it.

Fear and Longing (a revisit)

2011-07-30T11:40:00.001-04:00

There is a conflict between having so much to think about, so much to process or talk through, yet having no action of release to express it all.

I could have been writing these past few months. There are certainly many things to say. Not necessarily to be heard by anyone else, but for me to grasp, understand, comprehend - which I usually do through words and writing.

A friend made a comment on a note I had written two years ago (via Facebook). It caused me to go back and read it (for I have since forgotten), and it resonated with me too. Funnily enough. Especially with the thoughts that have been swirling lately. While not directly identical to this, they are along the same lines and topic. I'll paste it here. Maybe it will resound with you as well. If so, please feel free to share a thought or reaction. I am always learning and appreciative of opinions and insights far beyond my own. I sincerely pray that your days are filled with joy and revelations of how the Lord dearly loves you.

__________

Not long ago, a question was asked. “What could you do to be a better friend?” Simple enough. Not provoking too intricate an answer, not anticipating more than a sentence, maybe two. It wasn’t even directed at me specifically. Still, it got me thinking. I didn’t speak up that night, because again, it wasn’t really for me. There is probably so much I could do. Though I like to think my friends do not have many complaints with how I treat them. If so, I’m in severe need of a sit-down. But there is something that has been culminating in the back of my mind for an undeclared amount of time: I need to trust my friends more.
I say this because I am categorically better equipped to listen to others share themselves and talk about what’s on their minds or going on in their lives, than I am at unfolding the details of my own self. Some people who meet me for the first time, or know me for the introductory short while, may have a hard time agreeing to the fact that I have any trouble opening my mouth to speak. However, those people I have probably yet to get to know much deeper. It’s likely still a surface-level relationship. Surface-level is my least favorite place to camp, yet I would still 99 times out of 100 rather hear about your inner-workings than mine. It’s a trust issue. It’s a fear issue.

For those of you who may be opposite of me here, and thus are probably reading greek right about now, let me try to explain it better. I can think of little more in life, which holds the personal level of fear, doubt, or loathsome anticipation than stepping over the fence to the struggle, the corners, the hidden portions of a multi-faceted self. It’s easier to be just the funny one, or the upbeat one, or even the loud and annoying one. These are one dimensional. Easier to digest, to define, to categorize and put in a four-corned box - pegged. Again, it’s a double standard, for I have yet to wince when entrusted with details of another’s past, background, experiences or thoughts. Nothing thus far has phased me or caused me to see someone in an altered light after being honored with the knowledge of who they truly are and what has formed them. There is little that surprises me. Still, I shudder at divulging my own. I cannot fully understand why, except the unflattering explanation that perhaps I don’t trust people enough. Now, how fair is that? But does anyone understand what I’m trying to say? The complexity of seeing others as more worthy than oneself? This truth molds my behavior. Its consequence can provide a rather lonely composition.
It’s easier to concede to the lies, and thus continue the path of ambiguity. The whisper that “no one really cares to know you better.” That “you’re a bit too much, so try to keep it toned down, go along, nod and smile.” That “you are far less pleasing when you show the complications of personality. Stick to happy-all-the-time. Stop showing too much emotion. People frown on that and write you off in the long run because you have too much on your sleeve.”
I could go on. But I’ll continue the cycle and desist while I’m “ahead”.

Happiness depends on the things we tell oneself to believe. Right?

I know the truth. I know the Truths. Life looks much better in the light. It is warmer in the glow of The Light. I do know this. I do feel this. It’s how I marvel those who can walk through this life without the grace of The Savior and The Father and The Spirit. I cannot comprehend it. Not at all. For it is my very breath. My exhale, my inhale, my steadiness in a sea of turmoil. Thus, I am at peace. Yet I am also a work-in-progress. I cannot deny that. I shouldn’t. Yet knowing the peace, and learning to rest are not the same. I’m still learning the day-to-day. I know I’m not alone in that, even if some days it can deceivingly feel as if I am.

“As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the livingGod. When can I go and stand before Him?” (Psalm 42:1-2)
_____________

U.S. to The Bahamas, and Back Again

2011-07-12T09:07:00.000-04:00

I just returned from a week in Nassau, and island of The Bahamas.

   There will be much for me to personally unpack concerning the trip, but the obvious joys were the students, the residents, the work (yes, I'm saying the sweaty, heat-rash, exhausting work was a joy as well), and the community between us all.

There are viable highlights I would love to share about this experience. Yet I'll have to do that in the next post. This is just a "I've been gone for a while, but I'm back and will be writing again" notice.

   Basics: Four other leaders and I took our church's youth group (Grace Community Church), partnering with two other local churches and their youth groups, and went to Nassau to work at the All Saint's Camp. All Saint's is a community of AIDS/HIV residents who live in one area together. Their living conditions aren't great, and through Next Step Ministries, many crews have come in and have begun improving the Camp. Through building of new houses for residents, mixing and laying cement for sidewalks and a parking lot, digging posts for railings, to demolishing unlivable homes to make foundations for new ones...this camp is improving bit by bit to make residents have a home, not just a house.

I loved it all. The good experiences and the tougher ones. Next Step is a fantastic organization, laying the groundwork in many places around the US and abroad, becoming part of the communities they serve, not just showing up two months out of the year and then leaving flippantly. They care about the communities they serve, they invest time, energy, people, resources - just to show love to the people, to show God is who He says He is and that He genuinely cares for His people.

   So soon, I'll give more detail. But for now, I'm back in the States. I realize how blessed I am to have shade and air conditioning and fresh water showers instead of saltwater. And I've overcome with the revelations I experienced through the students, through the residents, and through the Spirit moving directly in my life.

"Yay God"

5 Minute Friday - Wonder

2011-06-24T16:23:00.001-04:00

Happy Friday!

Another great 5 Minute Friday is upon us. Today's topic from Lisa - Jo is about WONDER

So get your stopwatch, play by the rules of no revision, no erasing, no pausing the clock to sound "better". Just breathe, release, and write.

Oh, and don't forget to link up to my page (and Lisa - Jo's) so we can all share in what we each came up with. Enjoy the creative time. :)

I wonder about an awful lot. With the personality type of a "feeler", yet the introspective abundance of an over-analyzer, I tend to think about everything. I want to know how something is...why it is, how people think, interact. What opinions others have on any topic, and how we are similar or different in those opinions.

I love to dig deeper, know more, understand better. Because let's face it, I could always understand better. That's why I love conversation so much - because it allows me the opportunity to dialogue, through out funny or interesting or tough questions - or have someone give me things to think about.

I wonder about future lately. I didn't used to. Yet I'm realizing that He has SUCH a plan for me and He's been waiting and waiting and waiting for me to come to Him, having left everything behind - all possession and others and worries, and to follow Him.

I often call Him my Patient Warrior. Those are two very big representative roles He is in my life. He never leaves - when so many others have. He always stands ready to defend - when others have had ENOUGH. He remains beside me, teaching me how to fight off the Enemy, every day strengthening me against the onslaught of arrows.

I wonder how He is that capable to love me.

I wonder why I'm often not capable enough to return that love.

I wonder How marvelous is my Savior.

STOP.

Response: Acknowledge Him

2011-06-23T10:22:00.000-04:00

Today at (in)courage, the beautiful Sarah Frankl shares her heart, wisdom, and realness with us once again. Bless your day by reading her words in Acknowledge Him. In my opinion, I do not see her words as making light of this sometimes-task of Acknowledging. Though she speaks in clarity and the flow of an abiding daughter, I do not believe that it's ever been easy to do. Has it gotten easier? Oh absolutely so, for she tells us this (and if you read her story on her website, you'll see that rough roads are aplenty). But her heart is in love with her Maker - and THAT is what shines through.

On her post today, she ended by asking

Can you stop – right now – exactly where you’re at and acknowledge a gift He has placed in your life in the middle of the hard stuff?

I answered what was on my heart this morning, even before reading her post. As I drove to work today, listening to worship music (they were from the playlist of Shai's service - how my heart was spilling over this morning!) I was just struck by this particular blessing, in many folds, that He somehow sees fit to give me.

After I did my best to answer Sarah's question of the gift I am hit with constantly, I realized I wanted to share it here as well. I'm that overjoyed at how He has blessed me. How MUCH. And you are a gigantic part of it.

Here are my gifts:

"The gifts He has placed…

Oh the relationships! The deep, surging, layered, lived-out relationships in my life. My brothers and sisters who have sunk to the deeps and scaled to the heights, and then decide to share their hearts with me and make room for mine in return.

It is not always a paved, holeless road, but it IS always a blessing. It IS always growth and beauty in the end (and abundantly sprinkled in the in-betweens as well). I’m learning more and more about the Body each day. I’m learning to see the good and lay the bad down at His feet, for it’s not mine to carry or obsess over. LEARNING is a long process. But Grace is endless. The blessings are endless.

So that is my gift that I am in complete awe of. The people in my life. The people who somehow got branded to “partner” with me in seasons or longer stretches of life. I can only plead with my Father that I’m somehow a blessing in return. I can daily ask to be, to ready myself to serve SELFLESSLY in the lives of the Body’s members.

Regardless of the hardship – the beauty of sharing the sojourn with others far outweighs the pain. Thank you [Sarah] for sharing your heart once again. There is such treasure in the words He places in your heart."

Can I steal her question? Can I ask you what is the gift, what are the gifts He has specifically draped over your life? Even in the midst of what could be a dry, valley-dwelling season - can you be still and know that He is yours, and that He loves to lavish beauty in our everyday lives? Please, if you feel led, share with us. You are safe and welcome here. Thank you!

Home...(5 Minute Friday)

2011-06-17T07:57:00.002-04:00

Back again! Welcome to the weekly 5 Minute Friday.

I love that this keeps me writing. I want to find more chances to carve out intentional time to ponder large and small things - to as my brain to do somersaults and 100mph curves around bends once thought out of my league. This is a good place for me to start writing more, and being challenged. There are Mondays, Wednesdays - times for topics, reasons for writing.

Yet back to today, to the present. Today's topic from Lisa-Jo is Home.

Home...

Go.

When you move many times in your life, "home" can be multitude. There are the colloquialisms of "home is where the heart is" or where your family is or where you lay your head at night....

Home is changing. Constantly.

Is it with the people I am surrounded by? They change all the time too. Life happens. Personalities blend, sometimes they create a sour mix and you stop blending. Sometimes it's a sweet, refreshing mix, and you pray to God in Heaven that He lets you know them for more than one season.

I'm a person who longs for deep, thriving friendships. Yet I have gained the maturity over time to know that I don't want that with everyone I meet. That's impossible.

But I love people. I adore the people in my life. Even if for a season - I often relish in those past seasons, singing praises of thanksgiving for the astounding fact that somehow I was able to be a part of the swirling beauty that were those friendships, at that time, and that I have pieces of flourish littered throughout my soul because of them.

And I take the not so flourishing too. And I pray for the strength to be defined not by the rejections, the bitter ignoring, the sharp opinions or the frustrated leaving. I pray for the strength to know my identity.

Because HOME - oh home is not here. Home is with my Father. Home is the boundaries of complete acceptance, complete affirmation, WHOLENESS and warm, sweet love. He is my home. Abound and abide in that.

STOP.

*This spectacular picture was borrowed from the beautiful blog of http://smangiemag.blogspot.com/ Visit her site and enjoy!

Backwards....(5 Minute Friday)

2011-06-10T12:41:00.004-04:00

The Gypsy Mama has encouraged us into another Friday! I missed last weeks, sadly enough. Yet I believe that it's still a prompt that can be done, even if it's past, even if not on a Friday. So take a shot at that topic too, in case you fingers have words they're itching to type (she had a scrumptious idea for her take on it!).

As for today, push up your sleeves, sit up in your chair, give your head and neck a good stretch, and let's do this...

Backwards….

The idea doesn't immediately come, though by instinct, when I hear about "backwards", I think "stand against moving that direction."

It's a choice, like choosing a flavor of ice cream, or folding your laundry instead of watching tv (which I confess, I NEVER choose the former). When you are faced with a circumstance - a direction your life is taking, whether you have actively taken that road, or doors have opened for you by the One who is the Ultimate Leader - you can think of it whichever way you choose (this change). But if I may be so bold as to insinuate your thoughts....do not think of it as backward motion.

If you move across the country to follow your dreams - dreams you believe He's specifically laid out for you; and if you stay there, evolve, grow, become a member of an even larger part of His giving, serving Body, but then you have to go back - to your original home, back across that wide expanse of country...do not believe, for one moment, that you're moving backwards.

Because our Father works in forward motion. He works to refine, take away impurities so perfect reflections of His glory can stare back into His loving eyes, reflecting His sacrificial, adoring heart. He does not work to backtrack, nor spread ashes.

He works in beauty...He works in Forward.

STOP

Whew....this one was more difficult. Thoughts weren't there completely. I definitely felt more rushed on this one. Admittedly, the last portion of "Forward" and the period at the end - came at 5:03.8. I stretched the time frame there.

So this one isn't eloquent, but it's what came out. It's VERY difficult not to explain my tone, intention, or even emotions I feel now, by writing it. Prompts are meant to be beginnings to greatness (greatness of all scales).

If you're reading this, and you are encouraged to try the 5 Minute Friday exercise, please post a link to your blog so that others can share and encourage you further. I promise to stop by, read, and comment as well! Words excite me deeply. I trust they do for you as well. Have a wonderful Friday!

*Photo Credit: http://www.bnqt.com/featured/blogs/post_date/all/580

Sometimes, you leave

2011-06-06T16:51:00.002-04:00

Last night I was able to rejoin an in depth study into the Word, where this semester, basics are being revisited. Last night's topic was prayer.

Among the many verses given as examples of either how Jesus, Himself prayed or how we should approach prayer ourselves - there was a reference to Mark 1:35-38. I saw and heard perspectives in those verses I'd never noticed before.

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!”

Jesus replied, “Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.”"

In order to share how the insight of these verses affected me, I'll need to point out the acts that happened directly before this moment. The day and night before, Jesus had been spending all of his time healing many and driving out demons, He had also very recently (within a week), begun gathering His disciples, calling them out to follow Him. It is depicted in the previous verses (v. 32-34) that after the sun set in the evening, droves of people came still to Jesus to be healed from their ailments (in fact, the entire town came to where Jesus was, gathered at the door of what I can only guess was a small, enclosed space to begin with, let alone add the contents of an entire town.) Jesus saw them. Most likely for hours and hours on end. He healed and cast out, apparently for hours, yet there were more to be seen. He healed many, but others were still looking for Jesus come morning (as Simon Peter proclaimed). So keep in mind, there was more to be done in this place.

Now onto verse 35, where it gives the time "very early in the morning" - so it can be deduced that He probably didn't sleep much, was tired, weary, exhausted from all of the physical, emotional and mental energy it took to walk through the previous days.

This is a bit of background to set up the "aha" moment I had. Remember how more people still needed to seek Jesus out? To be healed, repaired, rescued from overpowering darkness? After Jesus spent time in the presence of The Father - in the secluded place where He could hear only HIS voice, Jesus knew what He was being called to do next.

Simon came, found Him, and said, in essence "Ok, there's more people starting to show up, it's time to continue with what You started".

Jesus knew of a different plan - the next course of action which the time with His Father disclosed.

"Let us go somewhere else..."

There was so much more to be done in the place God had already brought Him to. Why leave when it was unfinished? He was doing God's will, He went where He was called. He was serving others, providing a need in their lives. Go? Now? Before it was finished?

But that's what God asked of Him. Jesus spent deep, connected time with The Father that very morning. Jesus submitted Himself, His time, His waning energy, and sought the next step The Father would ask Him to take.

And it was to leave...

It hit me personally, quite hard. Truth be told, I swallowed back some tears, not wanting to reveal too much in the public setting I was in, even though it is an incredibly warm, welcoming place (another day, I'll describe the amazing encouragement these brothers and sisters offered me and each other as the evening went on). I just wasn't prepared to let all loose right then and there.

The reason it resonated?

I'm leaving Massachusetts in roughly 8 weeks. I am moving back to Texas.

This knowledge has slowly made the rounds, but on the grand scheme, there are still many who weren't aware of this change. For those of you already familiar with the situation, you can skip to the end (if you've made it this far - which I would applaud!).

The reality of the backstory: the groundwork, the pieces that were shifted and stacked to accommodate this seasonal change - is more intricately woven than this time allots for description. If you would like to know more, you are always welcome to ask. Yet as for now, I'll streamline.

I have the privilege and honor of moving to Austin, TX for 7 months, so that I can be a helper and positive presence in the life of my dear, sweet friend. Her husband is ensuring our freedom yet again, and due to the loosening of certain ties here, I am able to be with her and her daughter Amelia, while Pete is overseas.

The blessing of this time is not lost on me, even before it begins. And I know that I will find great riches and encouragement through it as well. We will be able to be strengthening supports during these varying seasons of each of our lives. Though they look as starkly different as can possibly be, God is bringing us through our days - teaching us what it looks like to rely, depend, trust and surrender. This is NOT an easy task. As a matter of fact, it's downright horrendous at times. Yet I have complete peace (as I did when I made the decision) that back in Texas, with my sister in Christ, is where He has for me to go next.

It is temporary, yes.

I do not know what will headstart the next season, once the 7 months comes to a close and Pete can joyfully return home to his family.

I know, that if I'm honest with what my heart is feeling... it's that my time in Massachusetts is not over. I must be quite truthful when I say that I would like, very much, to come back. For reasons that could take up an entirely different post (and they probably will not far from now), I am blessed here. I pray FERVENTLY that I've been even a small blessing in return.

I could go on, but this is not the time.

What was starkly revealed to me in this Scripture was that Jesus could have stayed in that town. There was wonderful, God-centered work left to do.

But God called Him to leave.

There was another place in need of Him. That is why He came - to love those who needed love, to heal the broken and bind the weak, to show the Truth of who He is, and who The Almighty has always been and will always be. He came that we might have life. And life - even for Jesus - meant sometimes moving, sometimes going, and yes, sometimes staying. To everything there is a season, and a purpose for everything under the sun.

So sometimes, you leave. God showed me that. The Spirit knew I needed the gentle reminder, that leaving doesn't always mean an ending, and doesn't always follow a season of failure. It just means He has ways for you to be a blessing elsewhere - and to find abundant blessing and growth yourself. Every good and perfect gift is from above. So if you, too, are facing a season of leaving, I will commit to strongly pray for your heart, that you may know He makes good our foundation, He holds our hands and enables us to go on the heights. Be encouraged that you are not finished. He is not through with you and you STILL have a purpose in Him. The lovely thing is, He is trying to show you more facets of what that breathtaking purpose is.

So follow.

Take His right hand.

Move.

Go.

Be still and know that HE IS YOURS.

On Forgetting...

2011-05-27T13:22:00.001-04:00

The Gyspy Mama has an amazing, reoccurring prompt on Fridays. The prompt changes each week, but the practice is the same. She dubs is "5 minute Fridays". You write for 5 minutes, without stopping - just allowing a natural flow from mind to fingertips and write. It's that simple. It is one of my favorite prompts (I did similar exercises in numerous writing courses) because it enables complete freedom. No pretense or over thinking. Just flowing and release.

I've added her button to my blog's homepage (see it to the right?). You should click on it and see for yourself that something pretty great goes on every Friday. Highly collaborative sharing going on! Also, click the link on blog title to introduce yourself to her, her family, her story, and her passion.

Without further ado...I'll get started!

On Forgetting...

I can't seem to shake this gnawing within.

That I need to write. NEED to.

That there have been swirling thoughts that just linger, which I don't pay attention to, nor give thought or voice to. They sit there, stifled because I drown them in the fear of failure - opposite of success...

I want to write a book.

I started out with this perusal of writing to write children's books.

I still want to do that, but I can't shake the notion that maybe a chapter and chapter and chapter project is more what has been creeping into my "do it" voice.

Why is this on the topic of forgetting?

Because sometimes all I want to do is forget it.

There is so much about writing that I'm passionate about.

It's my catharsis

my release

my discovery of secrets and insight I never knew I could reach.

But I DO forget - - I forget that these dreams are not mine.

I did not create them.

HE formed my inmost parts.

Knit with the lavish love of words, expressions, meaning.

I forget every single dawn, how He provides for me in the darkness, and throughout each and every day.

Why do I forget so much when He is SO constant?

STOP.

Now it's your turn. Whew...I'm telling you. This kind of exercise won't let you hide from yourself. There's not stopping, or pausing to change format or spelling (you can do that at the end if you want). Just go. Let loose. See what comes out.

*Photo credit here

I am not loving until...

2011-05-17T06:41:00.002-04:00

"There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love...God IS love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him."

(1 John 4: 18, 16b, Holman CSB)

  This was convicting for me. I wasn't even looking for this verse, yet it found me.

Fear plays a role when it clearly says (more than once) that it doesn't belong where God is trusted, believed in, and given control.

   I even switched the order of reading those verses. Because it needs to hit home.

I can't say that it all makes sense this morning, finally, and that I am no longer a prisoner of my own making. But I am convicted in the gentle rebuke of He who continues to fight for the day when I will release myself from the walls I have built.

He shouldn't have to fight any longer for me.
   He finished it all on Calvary.

Yet here I crouch, with my brick and mortar, making dungeons faster than He crumbles them down. It is not meant to be this way.

And I am reminded, that what I'm living in is not love. It is fear.
   Fear forges chains and fortifies barriers between living.
   Love shatters lies and crumbles all the foolishness man makes.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand."

(Isaiah 41:10, Holman CSB)

Isaiah is pregnant with imagery and prophecy. Overflowing with the coming of Christ. With the redemption and reclaiming of all that was lost. The "righteous right hand" is a literal, tangible name for Christ - the Son of God Himself. The Father does not merely hold onto us with Christ, He bonds us to Himself. And that bond is infinitely stronger than brick and mortar. It's forged by the blood of blameless Sacrifice. Nothing is stronger than that.

Certainly not my feeble walls.

"'And lo [remember, behold], I am with you always, even to the end of the age.' Amen."

(Matthew 28:20b, NKJV, addition mine)

So I am shown He will not stop pursuing me. Though again, He isn't meant to. He finished it. I dredge it up again and again. The accessory is fear. Yet the hands are my own. I, like Paul, constantly find myself doing what I do not truly want to do, or feeling what I do not want to feel. Yet God is bigger. Blood is stronger. Sacrifice is infinite.

So I am not loving, until I am abiding.

Until I am trusting.

Until I lay aside my rusted tools, stop with the walls, and denounce the rule that fear reigns over me.

Until I give all that is His, into His arms. That begins and ends with giving back every portion of myself. He bought me out of slavery. Who am I to keep us apart?

If there is even a small part of you that can understand this,

please feel the safety of sharing what keeps you from loving.

May we be the hands that help uphold one another...

Santa Anas

2011-05-12T07:56:00.000-04:00

I've never lived in California.

But I saw in a movie once, the explanations about the Santa Ana Winds that blow through every year.
They say anything can happen...

I take it to mean that change is in the air and the time where unpredicability can lose it's stigma as a thing to be feared, but harnessed instead.

I am a person who actually likes change. Spontaneity excites me. Most times. Admittedly, change that I have some control over (such as a last minute road trip with no real purpose other than adventure, a change in itinerary to explore or take more time to enjoy, a conversation you didn't know was coming, but you couldn't imagine not participating in...) is more enjoyable than change I can't control (such as losing a job, losing a car, never seeming to know the direction of an actual long term future).

But you know what? The gene that was included in my DNA when God gave me slivers of uniquness...the gene that says "I cannot get enough of adventure and the beauty of experience"...I love that. I'll embrace that. And that means not declaring that some of that change is unwelcome or undesired. It means owning it all.

It means throwing my head back, extending my arms fully out and allowing myself to be nudged by the winds of unpredictability.

So Santa Ana winds? The notion that anything can happen, and it can be glorious?
Yes please.
Let's Go.

I may have to be reminded from time to time. So remind me. What do Santa Anas do for you?

A Morning At The Well

2011-05-09T06:10:00.001-04:00

I am a leaky person.
   Siphoning the world through in hopes something will stick. Fill. Remain.

I have the Spring of Life at my fingertips.
   The body of Living water, standing at my well, inviting me to siphon no longer.

The days I walk away, or hem, haw and delay in the terror I cannot always explain is with me - do not succeed in banishing Him from that well.

The well where He tells me everything I've ever been. Where He uncovers the pieces I work feverishly at keeping hidden. Where He applies the medicine of Light to my festering wounds. Where He comes back to, again and again, every morning - remaining.

My fear and flesh do not repulse Him. My weakness does not deter nor humor Him. My bared self, all of my shadows, do not cause Him to recoil.

   He tells me everything I've ever been.

He tells me everything I'll ever be.

His.

And that is enough to give me life, abundantly.

Let the siphon fall away - for it has no purpose in me.

"Whoever drinks of the water that I will give [her] shall never thirst, but the water that I will give [her] will become in [her] a well of water springing up to eternal life."

(John 4:14, pronoun change mine)

A reward, not an escape

2011-04-25T15:51:00.003-04:00

I recently read that an obstacle which can block the peace we long to feel (which comes from God, the author of peace) is prayerlessness.

Upon first glancing over this statement, I hesitated to agree. Naturally, due to the human condition and apt for err and the ebb and flow of life, one can have a healthy prayer life, yet still feel an absence of peace.

But then I really thought.

And it's true. It doesn't have to be THE only obstacle or reason...

...but it's true nonetheless.

During my earlier years, prayer was my strongest aspect in my relationship with God. It came more easily to me than the other ingredients for a close connection with The Father. Reading the Bible diligently did not happen as easily. That was harder to maintain consistently. Faith was there, and the understanding of Truth, as well as the belief. Yet prayer just seemed to flow from the already conversational-oriented person I was created to be. It happened naturally and I was always very thankful for that, understanding that it was not as natural a process for everyone.

But something unidentifiable has changed. Within the past few, waning years. I cannot pinpoint when the change occurred, I only notice that at some moment, within the last 5 or 6, it wasn't as organic an act anymore.

That saddens me. And when I read that statement, it came together -- the pieces fit, to my surprise.

I recently, tearfully confessed to my Maker

that I haven't felt peace in an enormous amount of time.

I've been praying over these years. Obviously. But in direct correlation to my previous prayer life and the past few years...it may as well be a desert where a Great Lake once stood. It became more "obedience" driven than a strong, yearning desire to go to Him with everything - unable to wait any longer before telling Him what was on my heart, in my head, in my life.

I find myself lacking in so much. And it's Him. I'm lacking my Father. I'm lacking His soothing touch, His transcending comfort and understanding, His perfect wisdom. Because I stopped seeking it as passionately. I became my obstacle. (And if you know me behind the multitude of layers I usually try to lay barrier with, you would know that I am consistently my own greatest roadblock.)

Saturday, He resorted to patiently "pull teeth" in waiting for me to talk to Him. I turned the radio knob, until the click of silence. I shook my head, still defiant and stubborn and who knows what else. I swallowed back the eminent tears at first, with pursed lips and an undermining ere. Knowing the absurdity of my thought even before its completion when I murmured "It's nothing...I don't know..."

"You know. Go further."

"Fine. I'm scared. And ____, and ____..."

"Don't just tell me what. Tell me why."

"...I don't know..."

"Yes you do. I want you to hear it. You need to give it to me."

This isn't me claiming to audibly hear His voice, but the Spirit intercedes. It's a quiet urging. A silent assurance in the corridors within. It's a way we've been time and again - this, our specific understanding of communication. The Spirit, I'm learning more and more as He increases my days, is of tremendous involvement in the growth and grasping of my role in His inheritance.

The rest isn't important to detail, but in that short drive, I was unraveled. Not in the way of falling, in the way of becoming more free.

Yet completely free, I'm still unable to allow myself to be. I'm still pieces of debris, littering my own way to release from captivity. For He has finished it. Christ has already overcome. Once. For Always. It is all that was needed for eternal. I just have a nasty way of reverting to slavery and ignorance.

In a beautiful statement by a sister in this inheritance,

"...if I am still on this earth, it means He has intended for me to do something more. If I didn’t have something more to do, He would reward me by taking me home to Him."

Going home is a reward. One I truthfully look forward to with such relief and knowledge of beauty. For that day is the end of slavery, the end of tears and the flesh of sin triumphing. But the breath of new mornings is the same, unexplainable and beautiful gift. For if He intends for me...He intends. Something more to show me. Something honoring to be an instrument for. Something humbling to be taught and refined by.

Therein lies another portion of peace. But it had to come by my surrender of truth. Not through clearing my throat and "pushing through" or "staying strong". Through falling. Through letting the grip go. He doesn't need me. He chooses me. And I despairingly need Him enough for the both of us. When I forget that, I notice my unsteadiness. And my languishing hunger for Him comes through by all means and absences thinkable.

I did say it out loud. I relinquished pretense and stuttered out the why.

I learned as I spoke. The Spirit gave that awareness to me.

I hung my head as I dropped it to His feet.

He lifted my chin and reminded me of my worth and His Love.

He and I know. He's guiding me through it. There is no air of "everything fixed". Not today; not in one day or even a few. But I woke with breath this morning, so He intends for me to grow in it all the more. His love. His sacrifice. His conquering over death. His taking of the wages meant for me. His shield over my vulnerability.

His. I am His.

The Fear of Dreams

2011-04-12T15:16:00.002-04:00

*A comment of mine on an (in)courage post. While writing it, while it poured out of me, I realized "I should declare this more than once. Perhaps it may keep me accountable to seeing truth, recognizing walls and self-restrained leashes, and to trying to continue rather than stop dead in my incomplete tracks. For whatever reason, here they are: fears about dreaming.

A dream....

I can't even type those two words without crying. The word "dream" scares me to no end. Because I avoid mine: I wrestle, I bury, I second - third - two-hundred and twelve times guess myself on if my dream matches God's dream. And even if it does, I can't get past the enormous likelihood that I'll fail. I'll fail a thousand times. I won't be as good, or as talented. I'll scrape myself bare of all the pretenses and masks and safety barriers - I'll stand exposed in every flaw and insecurity, and people will have full access to see and be horrified, or see and judge, or perhaps the worst: see and ignore - unable to relate.

I was born with words flowing from me. They began as merely for me. As a way to communicate what was within, to a place where I could see them, touch them, feel them more potently - and thus understand myself more than I though possible. It escalated to a deep, racing river of intimacy with God. Growing, investigating, traveling with Him through prose and the delicacy of discovery.
I wanted to write every day. It was for nobody's acceptance, nobody's eyes. Only His and mine. Then I had the unprepared thought that I could use the platform of words to speak, whether I was heard or not, then I could experience that freedom and bliss without cease.

But when you empty that which you love out on the platform for full exposure - does it remain with you? Does it keep it's vital place in your soul? Does it become compromised and challenged and superficial?

Or is all of the questioning, the doubt, the excuses...are they all just manifestations of fear making itself a tyrant over truth? Is the bottom line: "I'm terrified to step out" - even believing God gave me this passion not to squander and hoard, but to nourish and share?

The word and active verb "Dream" shouldn't make one cry. It should ignite movement and fluid hope. My dream is to matter. To further the Kingdom of which I am an adopted daughter. My dream is to only, firmly, step the stones He lays beneath my feet. Nowhere else do I desire to tread, than in His ways.

If that is by writing...by keeping the passion He gave me from the beginning, then I still need tremendous help in laying myself bare, in trusting that there is no failure that He cannot turn into transformative restoration. The refinement of a precious metal cannot take place without passing through fire after fire, to remove the impurities and become an unclouded mirror of beauty. Oh how I need to be unclouded.

(re)flection

2011-04-01T14:24:00.000-04:00

The church I belong to - Grace Community Church - has taken this season of Lent to look at some of the traditions we as believers follow. Why do we follow them? What do they particularly mean? How do they apply?

Each week we focus on a specific practice. We will address six in all:

Prayer
Sabbath
Worship
Stewardship
Communion
Baptism

In conjunction with the sermon series, there have been classes which focus deeper on each of these aspects, taught by members of the body who have specific ties, gifts, and/or knowledge in these arenas.

Furthermore, our Communications team had the wonderful idea to provide a devotional to accompany theses weeks. They asked a few people to contribute by writing one or a few for the series overall.

I am legitimately humbled to be one of those asked. The opportunity forced me (in the best way) to sit - be still- LISTEN to what God wanted to say. It gave me food to nourish a waning section of myself that I neglect fervently - for a reason I can never pinpoint. But I did - sit. I was able to write. And if you are or know of a writer - particularly in the field of faith - perhaps you have heard the true statement that regardless of whose name is credited to paragraphs...these words come from another source entirely.

At least that's the only way I know how to describe it.

It may sound trite to you, or fake, or hot air (or fill in your own adjective) - but I 100% know, for a fact, that in the best of times, I have no idea what I'm saying. If I write, it's more often than not something that I really needed to hear - not someone else. I need a dose of that reality, or reminder of truth, or kick in the pants.

I bring all of this up, because when I read the Stewardship post for March 30th, I read each word as if a voice was screaming: "This is for YOU! Get it through your head and start paying attention to how things really are and how they should be." It was only at the end of this day's writing that I was reminded...my name was at the bottom. I typed those words. That's when it was confirmed that I don't know what I say over half the time - except that He knows what I need to hear for myself. And maybe - just maybe - He wants me to share it with others. Maybe something in my life and journey can be relatable to someone else.

He provides the syllable and syntax. He quite literally gave my hands - function, my brain - analysis, my lungs - breath. How can I claim production to anything at all? I cannot function without the given tools to do so. Trust me - I've seen myself in times of plenty and in times of want. I know the different levels of "being" - and I know the difference from when I try to go at it alone, and when He is the leader of each inch I crawl and each wobbly step I attempt.

There is nothing more I can add to what I am working through, pondering, unpacking, wrestling with or questioning. This is all it comes down to - all I can rest upon - and where it all stops mattering:

"The steps of a man are established by the LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls he will not be hurled headlong, because the LORD is the One who holds his hand" (Psalm 37:23-24, NASB).

There is, however, more unveiling of that verse - and astoundingly beautiful discovery of just what those words are saying. I'll leave that for another time. Because for now - I just need to rest in the FACT that I will not be lost to my inability to control ("hurled headlong"). I will not be devastated beyond repair. Because He is the One who holds/grasps/clings to my hand.

Selah.

Living Proof

2011-03-09T06:43:00.000-05:00

This morning, through the (re:) series devotional, I was given my food for today. These words from Paul to the faithful members of the church at Thessalonica, will be my constant nourishment today. May they strengthen you as they are me.

“We urge you, brethern, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

(1 Thessalonians 5:14-18)

Be thankful in everything. EVERYTHING. Not merely in provision. Or times of safety. Or in times where everything makes sense to you as to why it occurs.

Give thanks at work when you make a mistake, or you get blamed for something you didn’t do.
Give thanks on your commute when a careless driver cuts you off.
Give thanks when your body shuts down, forcing rest on you at the worst possible time.
Give thanks when bills seem to multiply and funds continue to shrink.

These are not trite, nor easy things. I do not say these to give mockery to pain or lightness to suffering. I say these because I have not complied with the Word of God myself, in so many of these circumstances plus more. Yet each of these times, we can give thanks for they are moments where we can pray. Moments when we can stop and rely on our only source of lasting strength and sustainment. Moments when we can stand tall on Rock, when no matter how hard the wind blows, knowing we will never be hurled headlong, for HE is the ONE who holds our hands! (See Psalm 37:23-25; some of my favorite verses)

When one experiences what it is to be in the dark, it makes one all the more thankful for the saving grace of Light.

We will grow closer to our King in these moments. THAT is why we should be give thanks! That is why we praise. For we have a Savior that will never leave us nor forsake us. Rejoice ALWAYS, for that promise can never be broken. You will never be left. You will never be abandoned. You will never be quitted completely. There is One. And He is EVERYTHING you have ever needed and will ever need. There are no gaps to fill when His Spirit dwells within you. No holes to patch with other things, experiences or people. He is the Lasting. And all the more, He gives us that inheritance as well - everlasting communion and life.

Today, won’t you join me in rejoicing for that?

Our contribution to fight global poverty and disease

2011-03-03T06:54:00.001-05:00

Did you know that the International Affairs budget (which is just 1.4 percent of the total federal budget) provides critical, life-saving assistance to combat extreme poverty, hunger, child mortality and diseases like AIDS and malaria?

A robust budget for these programs demonstrates who we are as Americans (as well as how those of us, who believe in Christ and strive to follow Him, should be at our very core) -- people of hope, compassion and generosity. There are few places in the U.S. federal budget where dollars translate so directly into lives saved.

Join me in asking Congress to support the president's FY 2011 budget request for international affairs.

World Vision provided a template to help get you started in writing your own letter. There is a direct form on their website, which will automatically send to your congressman or congresswoman. Go here to gain access to that form.

Below, is the letter I sent just moments ago. I tweaked the template and added my own voice. I encourage you to do the same, though you are not required to make any changes. I believe this is of the utmost importance! I hope voice can be heard.
_________________________________________________________________

Good morning,

I am writing on a sincere and deep concern over the International Affairs Budget passed by the House of Representatives. I am aware the Senate is preparing to vote on Fiscal Year 2011 funding, yet I plead with you to oppose the disproportionate cuts which are proposed and outlined in the Affairs Budget.

This part of the federal budget is comparatively small (just 1.4 percent), yet was subject to some of the largest reductions despite providing critical, life-saving assistance to combat extreme poverty, hunger, child mortality and diseases like AIDS and malaria. Such action will have minor impact on the deficit, but will result in devastating consequences for countless poor families around the world.

A robust budget for these programs demonstrates the best of American values -- hope, compassion and generosity. There are few places in the federal budget where such great success has been achieved, support has stretched across political parties and dollars have translated so directly into lives saved.

As a supporter of World Vision's work, I believe that fighting extreme poverty, global hunger and disease is in America's national interest. It's also the right thing to do. Today, hundreds of thousands of people in Africa and around the world are alive because of America's historic commitment to fight AIDS. Similar cost-effective programs are generating real results. With your support, our impact can continue.

Help America take this opportunity to save more lives and not undermine our investment in people. I believe this is what our country is richly founded in. The consideration of freedom, protection from preventable harm, and a generosity to aide our fellow men, women and children. I urge you to stop and intensely consider how continuing with these drastic cuts to an already embarrassingly small percentage, will affect the very character America stands for.

Thank you for your consideration. Thank you for taking the time to listen. Thank you for what you do, daily, to uphold our voice. I look forward to your response.

(Re:) Series

2011-02-27T20:39:00.001-05:00

My church is about to enter into a series that will coincide with Lent. I believe it's a new focus for Grace Community Church. I know that while the churches I've been a part of throughout my life, have not particularly practiced Lent, I'm actually very much looking forward to diving into more study of why "we do what we do", and some of the traditions of our own worship and faith.

I, along with many others, was approached to help in this series. The way I have the honor of serving through this time is to write for the devotional Grace Community would like to join with the series. There will also be extended classes of study through each of the 6 weeks.

I have the privilege of writing one day each through four of the six weeks.

It has brought writing immediately back into my life. It is a tight and almost immediate deadline. My only spare time is weekends, though since the accident, there really has not been extra time to go around. My days have been consumed with other priorities, phone calls and research.

To be able to have a specific reason to sit down, study, pray and beg for words to share...it's a blessing I cannot believe.

All four of the devotionals are due Wednesday. My goal was to have them written by Sunday (which is tonight). I have just completed the 3rd...one more to go. I keep going over the suggested word limit...imagine that. But I'm trying. Oh how I am pleading with The Father to use ONLY His words. My words will mean nothing. I need HIS. Completely. I am praying, praying, praying. But He is faithful and has said, that His word will "not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it" (Isaiah 55:11). This is actually, intimidatingly, becoming a theme verse for me in the coming months/years. I feel it, and am terrified by it.

But that's another story for another day.

Until then...yay God. For opportunities and for giving me moments to return to you. To sit, be still, and have the breathtaking privilege of being your instrument in any way at all. You are merciful, oh so merciful!

The topics:

Week 1 - Prayer

Week 2 - Sabbath

Week 3 - Worship

Week 4 - Stewardship

Week 5 - Communion

Week 6 - Baptism

*my topics are in weeks 1,2,4 & 5

2011-02-16T06:24:00.000-05:00

Tumblr: "Receive"

What are your thoughts?

The Terror of Truth

2011-02-12T17:36:00.000-05:00

The search for honesty in every facet of each relationship in my life...is like balancing on a tightrope. I want to be out there, trying because it's worth the difficulty. And the thrill and joy from experiencing it is tremendous - but each time I fall off onto the paper-thin net below, I wonder if it's worth getting back up, stepping back out on that line, and risking everything all over again.

   Relationships/friendships/fellowship...there is such overwhelming beauty in them. Yet sometimes...if I'm being sorely honest...they terrify me to my very core. And being truthful enough with myself to identify the hurts, fears, failures along the way...may be the sharpest pain of all. Because each time that fall happens (and there's no way to keep from falling off that narrow wire from time to time), I flirt with the question of "why do this again? If I already know what could happen?"

   It's embracing the act of GROWTH. It's standing in the warm light of maturity. It's feeling, and recognizing that no matter who has told you differently in the past, having emotions is not what's wrong with being "me". Feeling does not define weakness. Baring your heart and being who you are - in the CURRENT step of refinement, no matter how misshapen the process may be - is not a mark of failure. Living with the load of your imperfections makes you a fallen human. It doesn't make you too defective to love or support.

   "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (Psalm 139:13-14)

Car Shopping

2011-02-08T13:23:00.001-05:00

Thursday afternoon, I left work to run an errand, picking up some mail we needed to retrieve the same day. I used my GPS, which took me down back roads rather than the highway. As I was travelling down a street and approaching a shell gas station, a guy in a GMC, pulled out in front of me, with about 2 seconds from approaching the driveway, giving me no time to swerve or react other than to brake instinctually. By the grace of God, I did not strike his driver's door, but there was enough lapse in time to instead strike the passenger to rear, driver's side of the car. It spun him and I around, ultimately connecting our two front ends (shown in the picture) and stopping perpendicular to traffic.

My airbags immediately deployed on my initial impact. And yes, I was wearing my seatbelt.

Everything worked exactly how it was supposed to. Yay God indeed!

Both of us walked away, not needing hospital transportation from the EMTs who came onsite.

Again, praise God.

Any residual pain from the accident for me has completely subsided. My neck and wrist are back to 99%, and other than being a little tired and having caught a chest cold a couple of days after, I'm wonderful. I realize how protected I am and how He had His hand there the whole time.

My car is totalled, and the other guy's insurance is in the process of examining the damage, and should give me a quote/their assessment of value soon. My poor, great car won't be worth much, sadly. And due to my own awareness that I cannot afford a car payment or to take out a loan even with whatever amount my car would be worth, I won't be getting a new car - or even a "newer" used car. I'll be on the lookout and heavily researching to see what I can afford with whatever the insurance company deems my car is worth.

This reason is why I'm even writing out what happened last week. Because I realize I need any help I can get with this next phase. The insurance company finally (yesterday) did put me in a rental, but I know I'll need a car most likely by the weekend. I am asking anyone who may be reading this (though most understandably, anyone local might be of the best help at this short time need), if you have any firsthand knowledge of someone who is looking to sell a car for roughly $2000. That is my complete guess as to the ballpark of my Kia's value. It's most likely going to be less.

I welcome any and all help in this matter and thank you immensely for any insight you may have. I know safety and stability are high on priorities, yet I also know my limitations. I will continue to research, and will assess all of my options carefully before making the ultimate decision. Thank you so very much for reading and keeping an eye out.

I didn't tell many people about it, so if you're just hearing about this and wonder why, please know that it's not personal - it was just a minor thing and I'm completely alright. I appreciate everyone's well wishes who have heard through either seeing me while I was recuperating, or being a part of the first few days' assistance that I needed as I was getting from place to place. I am blessed. There is no way around that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Rocks on a window

2011-02-06T09:35:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen a movie, where there's a guy throwing rocks at a window? Light pebbles...in succession...trying to get the attention of the girl behind the curtains. It's usually at night, and he's trying to be subtle, yet persistent enough to make her aware that he's down there - wanting her to look and talk to him.
   If she doesn't immediately hear him, or notice the *tink, tink, tink* on the glass, he doesn't usually give up and turn around. He's patient. Intentional. He stands there, sometimes he whispers her name, and keeps trying.

.
.
  .
   . I've been noticing some sustained calls - trying delicately to turn my ear to Who is pursuing me. It's usually drowned out by other noises, or my own distractions volley for attention, leaving me unaware of my Caller.

   But He remains.

   He doesn't turn around.

   He keeps His feet planted.

   He keeps me in view.

   He waits.

There's this One, who keeps giving me nourishment. Keeps filling my emptiness with water that never runs dry. When I feel the heat of the day, He reminds me that my roots are firmly planted by the still waters.

   And He wants me not only to remain and abide with Him (which He does)...but He delights in my GROWTH. He knows the desires of my heart, because He planted them there. I ignore them, hem them away, let fear be the focus, and so on...

But God.

I've abandoned something I know brings light into my life. I miss writing. I miss encompassing my life in literature. I miss communicating with my Love in the special ways He always gave me in which to process life.

The most resounding truth He's shown me lately, is that He is the only ONE who can fill me completely and sustain me - leaving no room for want. He is ever-present, will never leave or forsake, is incapable of hurting me, and is incapable of reaching His limit to love me. Do you ever think on that?? Selah It's almost incomprehensible to every degree. But He's trying to get me to see Him the way is completely SEES me. It's unnerving. He tries to tell me He never tires of pursuing me - of catching my eye.

How I need to listen...

Small joys = Large blessings

2010-12-13T22:21:00.002-05:00

In September, I mused how 'One Day' might possibly look like. How, in a seemingly small way in relation to a lifetime, yet enormously impactful to my own world -- having the peace of heart to know I'm provided for would be a welcome comfort.

In a season where helping the community is increased and donating to pantries and funds and organizations is harnessed, I can wholeheartedly say that I can relate to those who might benefit from such generosity. I've personally walked through many moments throughout my life where I've been in real need for the physical provisions of this world. I don't talk about it much...it's just not something you advertise. And while I do not promote comparing oneself to anyone else, I cannot pretend to know all levels of want, nor assume I can understand all of another's journey and tribulation. I, by the grace of a merciful God, have never actually gone without a roof over my head for a time. It's been closer than I would wish on anyone, yet not over that line. Further, I've never had to count the days between a meal.

Though food is what brings my fingers to the keys tonight.

A few months back, I walked through a valley of such shadow. Many things existed, surrounding me in that valley. Basic needs were in tumult. My praying knees were worn. My cabinet was sparse. And in the "One Day" referenced post, I released a hurt which encompassed much of that time as well.

Tonight, as I came home from work (one of the splendid joys that came in the morning ~ Psalm 30:5b), my throat tightened and my eyes welled with renewed thanksgiving as I saw these sights.

I have food. I have a pantry of choices. The mere option of choice is something that stuck me dumb.

I have been accustomed to bare. Used to space.

Sunday I was able to purchase. No, I wasn't let loose and free without restriction of a budget and careful choices. But here's the heart-beat-faster clincher...when I got up to the checkout line -- I was at PEACE. Abba, Lord, you gave me peace. Not palpitations.

I might not be able to convey to you the significance of this. But friends, it is an elation beyond measure to see 'fill' where there was often such 'space'.

I had work today. I have a paycheck each week. I have food today. Delicious, healthy food. I got to choose it. It's a freedom that is not always guaranteed. It is so easy to take for granted. And it is not only in a holiday season where we should remember that millions (yes, millions) in this country alone do not have that ability to choose from variety, or see limited space over barrenness in their cupboards. Do you have cans growing dust from neglect? Do you have even $10 extra to buy napkins, pasta, shampoo for the population yearning for a house where needs are fulfilled? This is not a guilt message or one from an out-of-touch "preacher". Please accept these words that drip from my mouth as those of testament. From one who caught a sliver of a glimpse into the desperation of need. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I can love. And I can advocate. And I can proclaim the true Giver of that which Sustains and never perishes. And I can tell you portions of my reality to perhaps make you more aware of others'.

I saw a beautiful sight tonight, and realized I didn't receive it from my own gain. I am a product of Jehovah-Jireh. Let Him be true and known to the ends of the earth.

*Some resources:

Literature Affairs

2010-11-27T20:42:00.002-05:00

I've begun reading Wuthering Heights. Yes...for the 1st time. For whatever reason, I never read it in any of my schooling years. I bought this book, along with 2 others, from B&N a while back. I got them all for about $5 each! (Other than this, I bought Pride and Prejudice and Mansfield park - both of which were also previously unread.)

I do not think I express it enough: I adore literature. I practically majored in it. And on more than one occasion, I fiddle with the idea of getting a masters in the field. Yet I know, it's a very limited program - for all that money towards grad school. I just miss learning. I find myself yearning for a classroom again at times. Today, in the airport, I saw a couple of people brushing up on holiday homework, underlining and note-taking...I instantly wished I had a reason to do that again. It sounds so silly to say...how many people say they enjoy that environment?

I also toy with the idea of getting a masters in Christian counseling...but that's a whole other train of thought for a whole other day.

I miss nurturing my passion for the written word. Heck, I miss nurturing my passion for writing. It's been inescapable lately...I must begin again. I need to finish my book - get started to really be behind getting it published. Getting my life's pursuit running. It will be a lifetime struggle, but when everything is stripped away, writing and literature is at the core of my life on this earth. I desire - above any other profession or pastime - to write for a living. To be an author. To continue to dedicate the rest of my days developing that desire.

So that has been on my mind.
It isn't going away.

What I Am

2010-11-17T06:51:00.007-05:00

I am a people pleaser.

I like to make people happy.

To a fault.

I’m skipping past the “It’s good to serve others and the Word instructs us to love others more than ourselves…”

Yes. That is all true. And more. But I’m moving right past that, because what I’m about to talk about is the other side of the mountain. The slippery, twisty, rocky, sharp way down - where if you are not extremely careful, you can plummet head over feet, crashing violently on your way down to the valley.

Graphic, I know. But oh so applicable to me.

So back to the self-establishing moniker.

I am a pleaser of people.

Take a look at the verse at the top of my blog. It’s there for a reason. For me. It is one of THE top life verses of mine. It reminds me that I cannot serve two masters. I cannot say I’m a God-follower through and through while holding a shiny idol of gold I fashioned and polished with my shaking hands.

I can’t kneel at the feet of Jesus while simultaneously pacing back and forth at the end of the very short leash of human approval. A leash no one fastens around my neck except my own self.

You see, I love people.

I am in my organic element when in company with others.

I love the complexities of people. The way each individual mind is vastly different from the next. The way each individual heart bleeds for vastly different causes in various amounts of fervor. The way each individual smile can blast a floodlight of brightness in rooms of all sizes - in their own unique wavelength of color.

I love the sound of laughter. How from each individual mouth can come one’s own symphony of joy and delight.

I love the words that drip like honeycomb from each individual. Words of curiosity. Words of inquiry. Words of wisdom. Words of experience. Words of passion. Words of truth. Even the words of confusion, sorrow, uncertainty, pain - these I love as well, for they bring opportunity for words of open communication, encouragement, sincere empathy, and uplifting compassion. In fact, communication is one of THE most important aspects of life for me. I hold it vitally high on my list of needs.

I took that moment to share the beauty that comes from loving people - because with the sweet, comes the sour.

As much as I ardently adore all of what I explained above (and even more), here’s where that jagged opposite side of the mountain looms into play:

When I love all of that too much, it moves from

innocent appreciation and cherishing,

to a twisted, tangling idolatry

which I weave with my

own zealous

arms.

I make that love my idol.

I seek after those moments of fellowship as my sustaining nourishment.

I lift the words of others above the WORD of The Lord Most High.

And I

tumbling

down

the

slope.

I’ve got the cuts and bruises to prove just how often I make kind of decent.

And I have to be clear about one thing: no one pushes me off that ledge. No one puts their hands to my back and causes the spill or the scrapes. I leap. I am not shoved.

It is the aftereffect of detaching my harness from The Rock, and expecting a rope dragging along the ground to keep me safe and stable. It is what happens when that shiny calf I ended up making becomes my source of light rather than the Son.

A couple of days ago, I was pleading with God to speak something to me out of the pages of His letter. I needed specific understanding, specific sentences to relate to me - to what I was wrestling with.

Wouldn’t you know it? I came upon Psalm 146.

“...I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.

Do not trust in princes [human beings],

In mortal man, in whom there is no salvation.

his spirit departs, he returns to the earth; [as do I]

In that very day his thoughts perish.

How blessed is he whose help is in the God of Jacob,

Whose hope is in the LORD his God,

...The LORD sets the prisoners free.”

[emphases mine]

Uh, hello??! God was taking that calf from my over-clutching hands and lovingly smacking me in the head with it. (Bounced right off my thick skull and onto the dirt floor.)

In the margins of my Bible, I had written some words from a previous time I needed this particular Psalm. When I saw them that morning, I admit that tears came freely. I had written: ‘No one is perfect, therefore true safety and happiness cannot come from any other human! God, the One Creator of all is the only One who will never turn away, never hurt, never break my heart. Love others deeply, but do not depend on their returned love to fill any void -- for only the Almighty can quench cracked souls!’

Selah…

Those words could only have come from the Spirit, whenever they were penned. Because oh.my.goodness. did they speak some serious truth.

Those words in my margins speak about me too. Let me explain.

I am NOT perfect. (never have been, never will be)

I cannot be safety or happiness for anyone else.

I, too, will turn away, hurt another, break hearts.

I cannot be depended on to fill any void.

I am just as poor, broken, sinful and selfish as the rest of fallen man and woman kind.

Oh how I know that to be true.

So I ask for you to forgive me when I do hurt you. I am so painfully sorry that I will. But I will. (p.s. Just to offset any wondering: you will hurt me too. Time and again. We'll dance that dance together.) I want for nothing more than for that to never be true. I long to daily be delight in the lives of my brothers and sisters, of my family, of everyone I meet. There is little more I ask of God’s direction in my life.

I’ve often contemplated the pros and cons to fellowship with other sinners like me - complete with pain, dissension, misunderstandings, annoyances, arguments, sensitivities. I’ve then weighed that against the prospect of a life permanently distanced from true communion, or any real depth to a relationship - of a life spent on the outskirts. Not letting people get close or get real.

And I’ve regrettably chosen that path more than once. Even temporarily lived, I know that is always the wrong choice.

So this very long-winded soliloquy is to air out truths I notice so often. That I also know are not shocking for others to hear me admit. If you’ve met me, and spent any real time with me, no matter the length, you have seen my tendency to seek the approval of man. You’ve seen what my face does, how my body slumps, how my voice quiets when I make a mistake or do something imperfectly. All in relation to things that do not matter. Because my Father does not require a self-punishment. He requires a self-sacrifice. Daily. Hourly. Limitlessly.

So here’s to whatever sacrifice I need to make today. Here’s to moving that rope off the crumbling sand and anchoring it back into the solid Rock - the only foundation I should build my house on. Here’s to seeing that calf chucked off that slippery slope for good.

Here’s to knowing I won’t be able to do this myself. Here’s to knowing I need some avalanches of Spirit to set my feet firm again.

Restoration

2010-11-14T08:41:00.002-05:00

Have you ever been heartbroken?
   It doesn't have to be the gigantic, movie, tragic-hero kind of heartbreak.

If you've ever had this pain in your chest,
   a reoccurring moment of sadness sweeping over you, from something you can't control,

   an acknowledgement that you have found pieces to a puzzle
   that you may never be able to complete;
   that in all the ways you may try
   you can't make a picture whole
   when you don't have all the tools in your fingertips.
   Sometimes it takes more than one pair of hands.

Trying to tell a "fixer", that some things may stay broken - until a helper steps in to share the task of restoration...it's a difficult pill to swallow. The fixer is used to maneuvering and twisting and contorting until finally, everything fits how its "supposed" to.
   But forcing a square peg into a round hole will never change the fact that it's a fit that was never designed to work.

At least not without some heavy duty construction to accommodate. Construction that one person is incapable of doing alone.

There IS strength in numbers. That phrase isn't a lie.

And there's also pain along the way. Sometimes you can't expect to build a house without hitting some fingers with a hammer once in a while.
   But I still want to see that house get built. Pain and all.
   I'm just getting a little more bruised than I would like.
**Thank you to Thomas Heyman for the perfect photo.

Poetry and Soul

2010-11-11T07:57:00.001-05:00

I miss my forays into the study of poetry.

I encourage you today, to find a poet you enjoy. Whitman, Donne, Herbet, Shakespeare, Carmichael, whoever he or she may be, pick up a poem or two. Enjoy. Breathe in.

Today, for me, is Donne. One of my personal favorite poets. Enjoy. :)

A HYMN TO GOD THE FATHER

by John Donne

I.

WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,

Which was my sin, though it were done before?

Wilt Thou forgive that sin, through which I run,

And do run still, though still I do deplore?

When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,

For I have more.

II.

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won

Others to sin, and made my sin their door?

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun

A year or two, but wallowed in a score?

When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,

For I have more.

III.

I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun

My last thread, I shall perish on the shore ;

But swear by Thyself, that at my death Thy Son

Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore ;

And having done that, Thou hast done ;

I fear no more.

'Side A' vs 'Side B' -- who wins?

2010-11-07T21:22:00.007-05:00

There are many things I wonder about.

Part of me (of most girls I've come to find) is that I can be analytical - in my head about things. Seeing all angles, wondering about differing outcomes, imagining scenarios working in various ways. For me, it's not in a disaster or "irrational fear" way - I don't think on what bad could happen in life and thus live in fear for it. Yet I still process many things at once. Or if there is something I'm thinking on I tend to hold it up to the light, rotate it a few times, inspect the crevices so I can learn what I can. To use what I learn to make "better" decisions or to grow in knowledge about a certain facet of life/relationships/faith etc. It helps me with compassion. It helps with empathy and sympathy - grows the ability to relate to the other person's point of view, experience, and so on. It expands my ability to grow as a person, a friend, a "leader", and as a follower. It helps me to love fiercely, listen intently, uplift enthusiastically, and encourage creatively.

Now, that's the 'Side A' of it.

The 'Side B' is overanalyzing things people say, actions I witness either concerning me or not concerning me, my own decisions/possible mistakes or judgement calls on a matter, thoughts running through my head, conversations that need to happen or have already happened, confrontations, hurt feelings, placing unfair expectations on myself and others, not giving myself or others enough credit to love well...it goes on.

These are not flattering things to admit.

But they are real.

I bring them up, these idiosyncrasies, because I think it's about time I store up the good and toss out the bad. I don't want to change the part about me that searches, investigates, cultivates, loves to learn and deepen my relationships or awareness. I am grateful God instilled that in me. I am so very thankful and humbled beyond repair that He gave me compassion. A breaking heart for others. I can say this, because I KNOW I did 0% to deserve or qualify for it! There is not one shred of candidacy for amiable traits or the ability to love well. My flesh is the cancer of beauty. When I live by its standards, there is nothing that can grow. It can only fester and systematically shut down all healthy organs. Any shred of light comes from an outside source. Why He chose to plant it inside of me (or more theologically acceptable: make it available for me to receive) escapes my understanding. It is quite honestly, astounding.

I do not create goodness.

I squash it by the fact that I.Am.A.Sinner.

So 'Side A' is His genuine creation.

'Side B' is my genuine rebellion.

My 'B' living has lurked around lately. It's the me that is starting to get a little bitter at a fractured relationship. It's the me that questions why, yet again, I have failed. That I have made the wrong choice, or let a thought slip by that affects someone else, or held my heaps of imperfections up to the spotlight. It's the me that grasps firmly that which is and has always been out of my control, rather than shake the dust of it off my hands and feet and give it to the only One equipped to haul the messy load. It's the me that lives in gratitude one moment, and fear the next. It's the me that allows distraction to creep in when I should be focused on my Savior, Warrior, Protector and Gentle Shepherd. It's the me that forgets where my identity is. How it is etched in stone, and sealed by blood. How it was formed, held, fractured (by my own hand), then bought back from bondage and infused with a Love so bright and bold that all the previous darkness that may have surrounded it is obliterated by the Everlasting Light. It is not in the flimsy marrow of mortals.

This 'B' me isn't perfect or beautiful. It's laughably opposite. It's damaged and ugly.

But guess what? Side 'A' isn't perfect either. Because even the purest of water is tainted when put into a rusty pot. But it doesn't change the fact that it is pure, perfect water from a spring that never runs dry. From a source that will not give up, walk away, or reject the vessel. Rusty though it is.

I will be perfect only once. On the day my body is separated from my indwelled Spirit. Then I will be restored for a time that will NEVER cease. No two or three or ten 'Sides'. No good days vs bad days. Only glorious, resounding splendor. With the robes of an heir to the Throne.
That is a 'me' I literally cannot wait to be.

Please, if you're comfortable sharing, leave a comment below about "who is the 'you' you are being today? Do you relate to opposing sides?
Who is the 'you' you're just itching to be?"

Hello: I am Employed

2010-11-03T17:28:00.002-04:00

Back in July, I never thought I’d be entering months of uncertainty and unemployment.

One night, two weeks ago, I joined my roommate on our front porch steps. We watched the sky, enjoyed the last portion of an Indian Summer, and talked. She asked about my life lately and listened sweetly as I attempted to construct sentences - conveying what October had been to experience. At one point, not far behind one of the silences, she suggested I try the temp agency she had used earlier in the year. “I found great success with them. It wouldn’t hurt to partner with more than one agency.”

Not at all, I thought. I’ll seriously try anything.

The next day I filled out forms online for this new agency. I called to set up a meeting with a contact in the company. It was set for Monday, November 1st.

The meeting went well. The people of this agency are so very nice. Warm, welcoming, encouraging.

Tuesday morning (yesterday), I woke so very early to prepare for Ladies Prayer at my house. Danielle Athanas was able to come by, and we sat on my couch, catching up with one another - which we hadn’t done. We’d always been in a group setting, and we each appreciated the opportunity to chat. We prayed at the end, about many things, one being that God would continue to hold my situation in His capable hands, give me a free-flowing amount of strength, and to place me where He wants me.

At 8:20am, 15 minutes after Danielle left, Phil, my contact over at the agency, called me.

“I have a job for you.” After saying some details of the place and job description, he added: “Basically, if you tell me “yes”, that you want this, the job is yours. You don’t even have to interview with them. That’s what you did with me and I’m confident. It’s yours.”

I’m trying not to tell too long of a story.

There were many calls back and forth to Phil. These are the brief facts:

2 jobs were eventually available.
Same company - a property management company in Haverhill.
Front Desk Operations or Personal Assistant to the head manager.
I would train one of my off days this week, and the job starts full time on Monday!
Phil would give me a definite call by 5pm that day, with the job he decided I’d flourish best in.

So, starting on Monday (with a Friday 10am-5pm “training”) I’m the new Personal Assistant for Shawmut Properties. The pay is the higher end of what I asked for in the temp work. After 3 months, I’ll be eligible for full-hire in the company itself. That will bring a nice pay increase, benefits (though there are benefits available through the temp agency for now as well!), and job security. The company has very nice properties (I looked over their website!) in Maine, Mass and NH. Phil says they have great staff.

I’m really excited to start this, but can’t wrap my head around it all. (Can you tell my tiredness by my monotone description and jagged thoughts? Usually try to be more prose-like.)

EVERYTHING snowballed so fast.

I met the agency on Monday.
They called with a job early the next morning.
I had been praying for God’s timing for so long. Most recently with Danielle that very morning.
My instant prayer after Phil’s call was how to tell Paige the time had finally come where I’d have to leave. And in only a couple short days! (I knew this would be a very hard process for her.) I had people praying hard for this.
I asked many people if they knew people who might know people who needed a part-time job watching some kiddos (I was told by many that this was not my responsibility to find a replacement. But I had to do all I could to help. I simply have to - it’s in my DNA. Though I prepared myself for recognizing boundaries and knowing my own limits.)
Danielle, my sweet prayer partner, contacted me back in a few short hours. She has a cousin who’s been searching for another family to care for. She could do 2 of the 3 days I currently did for Paige - and she was so excited at the opportunity. We emailed back and forth, and I told Paige more about it that night. It was all set up!! All before 1pm.
At 4pm, Phil called back with the confirmation. The PA job was mine. Congrats. :)

Seriously whirlwind. I cannot wrap my head around how it ALL fell into rapid place. But I can wrap my arms and soul around the One who choreographed each detail. Each ticking moment of perfect timing. The job was ready only now. Through a new agency I met with the day before. Danielle’s cousin was looking hard for a job now. She fit the need perfectly.

I am literally and completely stunned into awe. God is stunning. Fully. My ability to express myself is enormously flawed in this light of wonder. I love faith. I love the comfort and stability of the Spirit. I love the Patient Warrior I have in the Redeemer. He is my peace perfected. He gave me faith during the darkened times, not of myself one ounce. During the deep valley sojourn, He never let me feel abandoned or forgotten. I was daily comforted. Daily refreshed. That is the unmistakable beauty in this season - a wealth of communion and relationship with My Father. Joy indescribable.

And I will continue to point to the Designer of everything good. All the time, God is good.

All the time.

Running Through

2010-10-31T23:33:00.002-04:00

"I will lift my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD...He will not allow your foot to slip....The LORD is your keeper...He will keep your soul." (Psalm 121, excerpts)

This image came to my mind today. It flashed through my mind during worship. Have you ever tried to keep water cupped in your hand? Without letting a drop escape your palms, or through your fingers. It's almost impossible. At least for a prolonged time.

so often I feel like running water.
   slippery
   capable of losing
   predisposed to escape the confines of a safe boundary

My soul, my insides, my fallible flesh is unstable such as this. I think "How can a pair of hands possibly keep me together? Keep me from dripping into a puddle? Mixing with dust and ash and cloudy with darkened grime."

Yet I am told:

"He will keep your soul."

"But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you..."

"Cast your burden upon the LORD

and He will sustain you;

He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

He will "encourage the exhausted, and strengthen the feeble."

Those are my adjectives. exhausted. feeble.

It can come in different waves. The days of a dessert dwelling can be both bearable and desperate. Even with the Spirit. My faith and trust does not have to waiver for my emotions to be true in their cry. Along with this picture in my mind, with me being the water, a soft voice reminded me that the hands that crafted the clay of my inmost being, cannot drop me. Cannot slip from grasp. Cannot and will not let one drop of my liquid bones escape His sustaining, nail-pierced palms.

I can't even finish thoughts.

I'm dancing dangerously back on the line of a Psalm 42 dwelling.

So I'll cling to this tonight:

"There will be a shelter

to give shade from the heat by day,

and refuge and protection

from the storm and the rain." (Is 4:6)

I will find rest for my soul. (Is 6:16c)

A Lower Threshold

2010-10-26T14:09:00.002-04:00

This month, I was supposed to work the needles, showing how practice will make improvement on my October "New Thing'.
I have a confession: I picked up the needles maybe 5 times this month.

*Sigh, I wish it were more. I wish I had done better. I really want to learn, to see if its something I'll enjoy for years to come. Yet this was not the best month. However, arguably, spending my time and focus on that task would have been a better alternative than soaking in the stale-hood that October became for my life.

There is a saying I came up with Sunday, that I believe is a potently accurate mantra - one that I perceive I'll keep for the rest of my days:

I have a lower threshold for crap.

It's oh so true. I do.

With everything that has happened this month, with all I've been walking through and the side issues that joined - I believe my personality is a bit shifted. And I don't think this is a bad thing.

Not at all actually.

I am still a person full of empathy. I have sensitivity running wild through my veins. My bones ache with the pain of others. My rivers overflow in thanksgiving of others as well. I feel oh so much and no matter what I've heard spat at me by some throughout my life:

being sensitive is not a handicap. It is nothing to apologize for.

I've also had beautiful souls speak those very words into my ears - often fresh behind the opposing point of view of another - often just because they want to speak truth for me. I shine with love in those moments. The unabashed realness of support. Of compassion. It is a medicine that can never be overdosed.

I am still a person who passionately loves her LORD. With fervor and rawness that cannot be manufactured. In the darkest of valleys, the dusk of a world turning upside down, the countless meals made out of salty sorrow -- through everything and more, I see my Savior for who He is. He never abandons, never turns back, never drops the ball or forgets His child. He always perseveres, is always patient. He reaches out immediately, each time my hoarse cry bellows "Lord, save me!'. My hand is perpetually in His. That intimacy, that closeness, the feel of His Spirit on mine, is a thrill and condolence far beyond other experience or expression. It flutters my very heart - His abundance of love for me.

I am still a person who doesn't understand the steps of His will. I know my ways are established by Him, yet I still can't grasp His timing. I still wish for my own 8 times out of 10. I still try to steer, while calling it "His path". I gasp and grasp and heave for control, and break apart in pieces when I realize once again, that I only make bigger messes. My meager hands are ill equipped to mold beauty from clay. He is a genius at it.

No seamstress sows splendor better than He.

No architect constructs mountains of glory from heaps of ashes like Him.

No composer can orchestrate a symphony of peace and stillness like the maestro Himself.

I stand at the throne of grace regularly. I swallow mounds of humbled truth. I give Him my frustration, anger, heartache, broken spirit, joy, excitement, surprise, and terrifying hope. I have nowhere else to put it all. No where and no one else that can carry it all. No one and nothing is equipped to carry a bucket of flesh and bone like the Son who saves.

I am given fellow temporary dwellers to share my self with, yes. And the times where I try to change too much and think "it's easier to go solitary for a while. Less painful and certainly 'safer'." I am reminded of Philippians 2:1-4, 1 John 1:7, John 17:20-23, Ephesians 4:1-7, Colossians 3:12-17, 1 Corinthians 12 (the entire chapter), 1 Thessalonians 5:8-18, Hebrews 3:13.

His Word overtakes any doubt or fear I have. Bottom line. So I may not take as much of the frivolity of life, or the unimportant squabbles that used to drag me in, or the attitudes that I use to wrestle if I was the cause of...now I see it's not always me. It's not even about me most of the time at all. I am not responsible for all the mistakes of the world or of others. We are each responsible for ourselves - and for how we treat others. We were created with the ability to choose. The responsibility to do so. I am choosing love. I am choosing joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. FAITHFULNESS. Gentleness and Lord, hoping to chose self-control. These are what I'm responsible for. I pray for the strength to make these choices every day. And to see that I cannot choose for anyone else.

Truth is a stunning thing to behold.

Cannot Quit

2010-10-22T12:41:00.001-04:00

I began to be a semi-frequent contributor to our church's woman's newsletter. I was originally set up just for a one time submission, yet Alison has encouraged me to write more. She knows that therein lays my sustaining joy. Catharsis. Renewed energy.

My first one was something I had written years ago, that I keep coming back to. It was so truthful and remains so today. I thought perhaps, it would be relatable to others beside myself.

The second one, which was included in this week's circulation email, was a fresh-write.

It's been a dark month for me. Days were too much to tackle at once and minutes became the most I could experience at a time. Something amazing was in the midst of my Psalm 42-living days (a legitimate and supremely accurate way of describing my emotions and moments during this barren time), I was given an abundance of faith. I mourned. I grieved. I wrestled and wailed. Yet my Keeper (also relishing in Psalm 121) was ever-present beside me. Oh how I felt His presence surrounding me. He gave me a greater gift than a change of my desperate circumstance (which still hasn't altered), He gave me such an influx of His Spirit – a 1000% pure "Helper" oxygen supply…I cannot even fully describe it.

I can say with sincere truth, that I never once thought or felt that He abandoned me. I knew He was there, stroking my hair as I lay curled in His lap. I knew my unceasing tears were being collected by Him, as he mourned with me.

I audibly reminded myself, and spoke out the FACT: "In you, my LORD, there is NO darkness at all. You – Are – Light. Even darkness is light to You. So I know this pitch-black experience is NOT from You. You did not bring this to me. Yet you remain beside me in this valley. You are my immediate help, for You are here – You are the very one who holds my hand." (1 John 1:5; Psalm 139:11-12; Matt 14:29-31; Psalm 37:23-24)

(*There's been much hand-holding imagery in my relationship with Him lately. He knows this particular touch is life-saving for me and had brought me scripture after scripture and prayers of this very reminder. My hand securely in His. It's a warmth unmatchable. Ointment ever-soothing.)

I will include that submission here, and may continue to share the contributions. Merely because I know these are not words I conjure up. They do not come from me. They FEED ME. And I have to believe they are not meant to give one-time nourishment. What's meant for me is meant for all. Love. Security of Spirit. Hope. Compassion. Intimacy.

So if sharing what He is pouring on my head, preparing for the day of my ultimate reconciliation, will help the growth of fruit in someone else – how can I be unfaithful by keeping it to myself? I must be faithful. I must share and proclaim. I cannot live any other way. A city on a hill cannot be hidden (Matt 5:14). I know this more and more, each day I have breath. Until I lay prostrate at His throne, I am an instrument – with His very breath playing the melodies and harmonies of my life. Every single thing of beauty given me or in me is His creation of clay. I cannot quit, nor cease to move forward on the path He lays before my feet. Even if some days I crawl instead of firmly planting my foot on that Rock – even if I cannot move without assistance – I will know that every day, He is making my feet like that of a deer. He is healing my crippled self. Enabling me to pursue the heights, not cower in the depths. (Habakkuk 3:18-19)

Here's to one more day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*For the EveryWoman Newsletter on October 18th 2010

“Lord, I will need Your strength, if I’m to be any good for anyone today.”

Do you ever find yourself needing this prayer? Perhaps before your feet hit the floor from your bed? Perhaps again, even before lunch? Do you ever find yourself wondering where your supply of oxygen is coming from, because the air sure feels thin?

Psalms can act like the Spirit sometimes, giving words to our groanings previously inexpressible. Have you read a Psalm and thought: “This is exactly how I feel! This author says it better than I could. I can completely relate.”? It happens to me often. It’s what I love about the book of Psalms – it’s filled with people who walked with God, through every day, every trial, fear, failure and even every outburst of incandescent joy, every note of worship. They express their most raw emotions on the page, and the Sovereignty of God included it in the living Word for us all to relate to, learn from, and echo in the walls of our souls.

Psalm 121: “I lift my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD…He will not allow your foot to slip…the LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade…He will KEEP your soul.” (v. 1-3a, 5, 7b NASB)

What is your pain today? What act of strength and help do you need from your LORD today?

Do not cease asking. Do not neglect to turn your heart to Him – for He cares for it as precious treasure.

He counts every tear: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.” (Psalm 56:8, NLT)

We all have days we’ve barely made it through. We each have our sorrows to bear, our blisters that burn. I believe it is safe to say we have all made meals of our heartache: “My tears have been my food day and night,” (Psalm 42:3).

Sister, I am here to tell you – Hope in God.

“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him. For the help of His presence…

The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;

and His song will be with me in the night,” (Psalm 42:5b, 8 NASB)

That food, which for now may be your tears, will be His lovingkindness instead. Day and Night. Yes, you will have new nourishment. As soon as immediately, for when you cry out “Lord, save me!” – He will “IMMEDIATELY reach out His hand and catch [you].” (Matt 14:21)

That is a promise. Your situation may have its own timetable of change – your circumstances may remain for a time unknown, yet you are IMMEDIATELYcaught. Your food can immediately become compassion and love instead of salty sorrow. Be caught dear sister. Be caught. Feel His embrace, for He never looses His grip.

Psalm 30:5b - “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

That is a promise. Yours to keep.

A Routine Check-up

2010-10-12T22:02:00.005-04:00

I'm not a mother.

I do not have children. (Though I've spent most of my life caring for others', thus have some insight into the world of little ones.)

Yet allow me the creative license to use a comparison to make a point...

*This is based on an experience a friend very recently had, I'm borrowing her experience, in hopes she will not mind. She has a son, so I'll use the male pronoun, yet "she" fits just as perfectly. Either gender shares this example's scope.

You're in your doctor's office with your young child.

It's immunization time. That means sharp objects, punctured body parts, an unsuspecting child, and tears....LOTS of tears.

Your child is swinging his legs one minute, and screaming in octaves usually reserved for the worst occasions the next.

There is so much pain he is experiencing, and he has NO IDEA why.

You're heart breaks at the sound of his cries.

Your tears cannot hold back any longer, for you know your child is afraid.

You can see, very clearly in front of your eyes,
that your child is confused, in pain, in turmoil.

He is looking right at YOU. Maybe he glances at the doctor who's still holding the needle and working. But he is mainly looking directly into your eyes. YOU are supposed to keep him from pain. 'Why are you sitting there letting this happen?', he may think. That's what you feel he must be thinking.

And so you cry too. Because your insides churn at seeing his shock, his hurt, his confusion as to what is happening to him. You want to make everything better...yet you know, this moment needed to happen. He needed to get the shots, for they would protect him from far more devastating pain down the road. If he didn't go through this moment of discomfort, he could be opened and vulnerable to far worse danger,
with effects much more crippling.

You love your child. You know and understand more than he does right now.

Hearing his cries breaks your heart - you're feeling the loss right along with him - yet you love him too much to have neglected this needed moment.

And so you stay by his side.

You hold his hand.

You look right back into your child's weary eyes. You say: "I'm sorry. I know how much this hurts. I love you. And I'm staying right here. I'm not going anywhere. And it will be over soon. This pain will not last. Just wait sweetheart. It's almost over."

It's not hard to see my point, is it?

I do not have a child. This was not my real-life experience in a doctor's office.

Yet, I am that child.

There is pain I didn't expect. There is this moment in time I didn't ask for and for which I cannot see the reason. I know the hands of my Parent are not the ones who stabbed me. He didn't inflict or decide my hurt. Yet I still feel at the mercy of the needle. I still know what it feels like to be pricked and prodded. And I cry. I cry because I don't understand why I have to be here. I cry because I can see my Father sitting there. And He didn't prevent the hurt. "Why did you let me come here? Why am I feeling this searing torment? Can't you make it stop?

My tears flow.

So do His.

I see He is staring right back into my eyes, with a gaze so steady and so overflowing with Love that cannot be contained. His eyes reflect my agony. He grabs my hand and lets me squeeze as hard as I want. As hard as I'm physically capable. And He doesn't let go. He doesn't flinch. He stays.

"I'm so sorry. I know this hurts. I love you....Just wait sweetheart. It's almost over."

His timing is not mine. So I don't have a countdown to when it will end. I wish I did. But wishing I knew when it would end, does not change the TRUTH --
that I know it will.

I am promised. By One who cannot, does not lie.

So my tears may flow while I still feel the substantial throbbing. But I know that what I feel now, what I'm fighting through, is not for nothing. Something beautiful will be able to exist, flourish, grow - because of this moment of discomfort. It is not for nothing. Beauty for ashes. My garment of praise is being woven. I will wear it soon.

I believe it, because I believe Him.

On The [Spectacular] Road

2010-10-05T23:03:00.001-04:00

I cannot contain my excitement and overflowing cup of joy any longer.

I will keep my words brief because it's high time you jump in the VW bandwagon and check out my friends Darren and Lindsey Smitherman over at On The Good Road.

There's a blog:
   READ it

There's an About:
   Meet them. Learn why they are journeying.

There's a Store:
   See stunning photography of where they've been...
   But better yet BUY SOME. You'll help continue to fuel their dream.

There's a Map:
   Find out where they're headed next. Live nearby? Why not take them
   out for coffee, sponsor a lodging for them, or meet them in person?
   Add to their joy by encouraging a brother and sister
   in Christ with your company.

I cannot convey in proper ways or words just how much I elate in sharing their story with you. These are amazing people I had the honor of knowing in college. They were, graciously, the first people who visited with me here in Massachusetts just after I moved. They took time out of their vacation, to encourage me with their presence. It meant a tremendous amount to a homesick Texas girl. These are the kind of people Darren and Lindsey are. They truly give of themselves to serve those around them. They love, as Christ loves. Please take some time and allow yourself the joy of sharing in a phenomenal journey.

Looking Like A Raisin

2010-10-01T16:25:00.002-04:00

I haven't written in a bit. (Well, a "bit" in my time frame.)

I've been captivated by some reading material, which has taken all my spare time and attention. You might say I've been bathing in the soothing waters until my fingers, toes, heart and mind transformed into wrinkly raisins.

That's me - a big, purple, happy raisin.

I've been reading Beth Moore, soaking up the words like a desert dweller coming upon a free-flowing stream of water. It began with Believing God, and finishing that quickly, I began So Long Insecurity on the 16th of August and finished it today. It took that long (because I would've read it quicker normally, not being able to stop) because I checked it out from my library - and when I read a book like this, i write in margins, underline paragraphs, star and point and comment on all the juicy stuff that screams "THIS IS SO YOU!" at me time and again. Since I checked it out, I couldn't write in the margins. That would be bad for the next reader, and the library would most likely frown upon that. So I pulled out a free notebook and wrote, wrote, wrote the pertinent screaming truths (so yes, basically the entire book). I've begun my 3rd Beth Moore book, and can see we were cut from the same cloth, or at the very least, she's clairvoyant to the inner workings of my thoughts and journey. :) Love that.

The icing on the cake of all I've learned over these couple of months, soaking up intelligent, God-directed truths about my God-adorned identity?

I'm about to close my computer, go out the door, and see Beth Moore in person!!!

She's doing a Living Proof Life conference right here in Lowell. My tickets are at "Will Call", open at 4:30pm, doors open at 6pm, and we get going on the roller coaster at 7pm.

Now I couldn't afford to go to this, despite the reasonable price for one of her events.

On Wednesday, I was going to tell my friends who are attending, that I wouldn't be there after all. I'd made peace with it, understanding my situation. When I heard of the conference months ago from Kristine and Kristin, I was immediately there in my mind. I even said (with full believing) "God, I'm sure wants me there. There is so much I could glean from that!! His will means He will provide a way."
While I didn't stop believing that truth, I did sort of set it aside in light of the fact that it had come to be Wednesday and I hadn't come up with the finances. I truly was at peace with it, for if I was meant to - if it were unequivocally a weekend I could not miss or get the information sufficiently any other way (as in, sitting down with my friends who could go, and asking them to share their experience), then I would've been able to buy a ticket.

But God...

Wednesday came, and I was about to go to bed. I did not get the chance to tell my friends that day, as planned. So I made a mental note to let them know the next day. I decided to check my email once more, while in bed about to shut everything down for the night, including my mind. In my inbox, was a Living Proof Ministries blog post (I subscribe by email to Beth's blog). I wanted to read because I was curious to see if she was writing about traveling to Lowell. She, in fact, did. I smiled at the knowledge of my town and state through her anecdotes and stories. As the post came to a close, and the last few sentences remained...I read these amazing words which caused my jaw to literally drop:

"Here’s what I got on here to ask: Are any of you heading that direction for our Living Proof Live this coming Friday and Saturday? Or do any of you wish you could but don’t have the money for the ticket?? Well, that’s exactly what the Siesta Scholarship Fund is all about.
Call Living Proof Ministries at 1-888-700-1999 during work hours on Thursday or Friday and talk to either Kimberly or Susan. They’ll fix up the first 15 or so of you who call."

Um....yeah. What God??? Seriously? Yes I wish! Yes I want! Yes, I'm calling.

And I did. I spoke with the sweetest woman. She was so enjoyable. Hearing only "I live in Lowell and..." [she doesn't even need me to finish] "Oh you want tickets! Honey, I'm so glad you called, I've already given out about half." (It was 10 minutes after their offices opened.)

I went to bed that night, before calling the next day, praying out loud to God, speaking my wonder at how delicately and beautifully He works in the small, wonderful ways.

He did want me there.

He knew all along how He was going to have it happen.

He wanted me to see His faithfulness.

He relished when my jaw dropped, probably smiling in glee at my amazement. I, like a child who's received a great surprise - He, my Father, took joy in providing for me (yet again).

So enough chatter for me. I'll be late to will call. I'm off to get my butt kicked with truth. Truth God went to large lengths to make sure I was present to hear.

"Hallelujah! For the Lord our God, Almighty, reigns." (Rev 19:6)

A Letter to my Cabin...

2010-09-27T16:29:00.009-04:00

*Note: This weekend, I went, with other youth leaders and over 47 kids on a retreat. The kids were shown what it meant to belong to God. To know who they are, in their own, individual identity. I was assigned a cabin of amazing High School girls. Throughout the weekend, we would gather together after a session taught by either Jake, J.J. or Tim, and discuss what we heard, how they felt, and what it meant for each of them in her life. Below is a letter I wrote them, posted it where they could see (and will give it to each girl in a printed form). I post it here, for them as well. And to even remind myself.

Coming off a weekend where we learned about identity, it has me thinking more on the subject.

In our small groups, talking through the discussion questions, my girls bravely shared thoughts about what it means to live in identity – both in the world (others’ labeling of our identity) and in our faith (who we are in Christ, through God’s eyes).

My sweet girls, all varying in age and experience…first of all, I want to thank you for your courage to speak when you did, and generosity to listen to others. I was overjoyed in spirit and heart to pray with you, hear your opinions, be asked questions from your own heart, and to merely spend time with you this weekend. I want to share with you a bit more, as we step into a week of “normal day-to-day”, for I don’t want to lose the truth we learned through Jake, J.J. and Tim this weekend – and through each other.

You are treasures. Did you know that? Deuteronomy tells us that when you declare that the LORD (Abba – “Daddy”) is your God, He then declares you as His precious treasure. Deuteronomy was speaking to the people of Israel, God’s chosen country and people. Yet through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, we (who would be known as Gentiles, since we are not Jewish by birth) were shown all the love and protection and promises that God made previously. The grace of the cross was extended to us!! Knowing that amazing fact, we can take ownership of the promise and name in Deuteronomy, as God’s very named treasure. Read Deut. 26:17-18 as proof of this.

Treasure is used numerous times throughout God’s word. First, to name us and His, then to describe the beautiful knowledge of God Himself, and of Christ, and further as an outpouring of worship from us – naming our Father as our treasure. It’s a beautiful relationship.

Take that identity dear ones. Own it. Let it warm you and connect you to your Maker.

I’ll leave you with my own personal understanding of identity. I did not share much of my point of view, except when asked (which I loved!). Yet I know how sharing journeys can give us such a better understanding for our own.

I did share that I’m still finding home in my own God-declared identity. As the very daughter of a King (read Psalm 45:10-11), you and even I are everything wonderful, and nothing undesirable in the eyes of He who matters most. Yet the Enemy lurks, waiting to cause me to forget this truth. Satan’s greatest desire for those who follow Christ is to make them ineffective for His use, by heaping lies on us about our identity (for one thing) and our capabilities for God’s use of us. So when you or I are tempted to listen to the lies, or to live in the insecurity of what others think of us over what God thinks of us (remember our talks!), I pray with all my heart that we run – fast – into the arms of truth instead.

If I hear the lies instead…if I stayed in insecurity…then the times when I’m met with a sarcastic comment, or the times where I notice how foolish I am by the silly things I say or the weird things I do (which, by the way, are quirks of my personality that were never hated by He who made me, just by me who can’t cope with being “different”) I can be swallowed up in insecurity instead of swimming freely in Love. This generous love is given to me every day, regardless of my mistakes or the opinions of others.

I’ll say it again, as I said it by the swings on our last day – it is more beautiful to live in the knowledge that our identity is in Christ, than to constantly try to please people around us. These people are imperfect, just like us. They make mistakes just as we do. Wouldn’t it feel so much better to know that the very same “Daddy” who IS perfect, who MADE us and KNEW everything about us even before we were born (since He created the World, remember?)…this very same loving King already sees us as worth everything. We don’t have to perform for him. We don’t have to be afraid to do what is right in His presence – when we do we find freedom like we never expected. We don’t have to wonder or worry that if we say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or do the wrong thing, or seem needy, or let fear cause us to lash out, or anything else you can think of to God, that He’ll turn His back on us. It cannot happen! It never will. Reread and remember Romans 8:38-39. Nothing can separate us from His love. Take security in that. Take ownership of that identity – it is yours to wear boldly.

Thank you so very much, for sharing your hearts with me this weekend. Do not forget what I said about being available. I will be so bold as to speak for others now. Jake, Kristine, Kristin, Natalie, J.J., Tim, Micah, Kerri, Missy, Ara – all of your youth leaders are here for you. ANYTHING you need to talk about, ask about, confide about…we are each here for that. And what I personally said about anytime, any hour, any day – remains true. Know that. I loved praying with you, hearing your prayers, hearing the requests. I continue to lift those up.

Be secure, feel safe, have full confidence – for you are protected, adopted, an ambassador, loved…and so much more by God. You are HIS.

Beethoven's "Pathetique" - 2nd movement

2010-09-27T11:25:00.002-04:00

Visit the Originator's Blog!

Here is the video I promised. The sound quality isn't great. I'm sorry about that. I filmed this Friday morning before my interview, and didn't want to make another. I now realize how I can make it better (the sound quality is what's the poorest).

September's Edition of 12 New Things. :) Hopefully I'll continue trying to learn.

Melody vs. Harmony

2010-09-24T15:41:00.000-04:00

I stated that I would update on the last Friday of the prospective month, how my "New Thing" was going. This month was returning to the piano.

I must admit, taking the time to focus on that was not easy. I did, however, enjoy it!

I recorded a video this morning, which is more entertaining than my typing (hopefully), yet today was such a busy day for me, that I haven't had the chance to edit it and post it.

I'm at a youth retreat for the weekend, starting in just half an hour. So begging you patience, I'll post the video by Sunday night. Please find the time to come back then! :) Thank you, as always. I am grateful for your interest in my menial life.

If one day...

2010-09-20T13:36:00.000-04:00

If one day, I didn't have to pray for 5 minutes straight in the line at the grocery store, that my total doesn't go over a certain amount...

If one day, I didn't well up when I left the grocery store, hoping that I could allow for that food this month, or if I should have gotten less, more bare minimum...

If one day, cringing when the tank is on E, knowing 'there goes $28 more' (yes, I'm blessed to have a small tank, for it means a smaller amount at fill up!)...

I'd like to say "one day it won't be like this", but I have to be honest...I'm not sure if that's a promise God's making to me. Some people suffer with certain thorns their entire lives, not finding relief from their distress - but instead given the strength to endure it, and the grace sufficient for it by His supply. I do not presume to speak for God. I wait, listen, and hope I'm inclining my ear towards the right source. He may give me a way out from under this (1 Cor 10:13), even though it's not a temptation - I believe that applies to storms in seasons of life. I may not become anxious in a grocery store line one day. That would be glorious. But if and until that changes, I will beg and plead for His strength to pour over me, as oil anoints, so that I may see His character in it and through it. That I may feel His presence and sense His love surrounding it.

That is what I need the most. That is what I hope to be wrapped up in. That will be the living water, which causes me to never thirst again. May my bucket me overflowing.

Panting For Water

2010-09-16T22:31:00.006-04:00

How do we know when to act or when to wait?

When does the moment of passivity evolve into a moment of action?

How do we know if a decision is brash and impulsive, or intelligent and responsible?

How can one distinguish between knowing something can help, or staying the storm in case something better is revealed afterward?

Is discernment only a process that takes time? Is hindsight the only way to see 20/20?

It is easy to understand how desperation can steer someone’s decision. Desperation is an explosive ingredient to the decision-making process. A mother who dances in nightclubs to feed her children and keep them safe in four walls - she is desperate. A father who cheats the system or hustles so that his family can get the medicine they need to stay alive - he is distressed. A child who picks pockets on the street so she can eat that week - she is in anguish.

There are a thousand reasons behind why we do what we do. It is so easy to gasp, point, and brand those choices and people who we can’t relate to - who make decisions we never think we would make.

The absence of understanding is a breeding ground for fear.

I realize these thoughts are heavy, deep and possibly forlorn. There is a Psalm (well, there are many in fact) that nails forlorn on the head - exposes it, wallows in it, cries out from under it. It reads like this:

“As the deer pants for the water

So my soul pants for you, O God

...My tears have been my food day and night,

...Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?

...Oh my God, my soul is in despair within me;

...Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;

All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

...As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,

While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?...”

(Psalm 42, excerpts)

I don’t know about you, but if my bones were shattered, and I was surrounded by people who wanted me to suffer and live in agony - I would know exactly why my soul was disturbed! Talk about desperation. There are many more Psalms where David is beyond dejected. Freaking out and wailing are better terms for it. I would even venture to say he goes a little mad while hiding in those caves from Saul, or seeing the depths of his own sinful heart after the whole Bathsheba incident. I have it on good authority from his writings, that whatever David felt, he felt to the 100th degree. Anger, terror, victory, defeat - I think he was a high/low kind of guy. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. God saw David and loved Him fiercely. God designed David for greatness and for communion with Himself, and nowhere in Scripture do I see a time where God says “Ok David, you’ve got to chill out. I am tired of hearing this. All this emotion you feel, I’ve got to rethink your DNA because it seems to be too much for you.” Because when David loves, when he trusts, when he declares the unmatchable mightiness of His LORD - you can bet he feels those to the 1000th degree, and we are the better for it, not just David. For we see sides of God so vast and glorious because we are able to see them through David’s wide eyes.

Many times, I get swept away on currents of tangents. I begin thinking one thing, and finish having conveyed a thousand other things I didn’t set out to.

Basically, I’m strapped in next to some desperation (I’m practically sitting on its lap!). And my brother David is telling me like it is. I hear, I understand. And if in the midst of all of that, David can say:

“The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;

And His song will be with me in the night.

A prayer to the God of my life.

...Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,

The help of my countenance and my God.”

(Psalm 42, excerpts)

...then I, too can hold tight to the God of my life. David says God is the “help of my countenance”, which literally means the help of his composure, his sanity. I’m going to say He was not only the help, but the supplier. God is our sanity. Goodness knows He needs to be mine - because I lose the one I was born with from time to time. The one that came from the sinful nature, not from the holy redeemed one. My composure is now supplied by Him. *Sigh* - I’m instantly calmed by that knowledge. How beautiful a thought! Taking deep breaths and counting to 10 takes on new meaning. (Though I don’t think I’ve ever actually done the counting thing. I’m sure it’s a wonderful practice and one I’ll need to do a few times in my future I don’t doubt.)

I’m going to close with another beautiful melody. This one is anonymous to date. Yet it stands to be one of the most powerful in declaration, cry, and description of God’s rescuing capabilities . Psalm 91 strikes repeatedly on the drum of certainty in the midst of fear.

“You will not fear the terror of night

(the terror of all uncertainties)

nor the arrow that flies by day,

(all the arrows of trials)

nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

(all that suffocates)

...it will not come near you.

...If you make the Most High your dwelling

...For He will command His angels concerning you

to guard you in ALL your ways;

(even the ways that seem so treacherous and hopeless)

...says the LORD... “I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life will I satisfy him

and show him my salvation.””

(*emphases and additions mine)

I will not?

God is my life?

No terror in night or day?

He will deliver me???

Okay.

So be it.

I will dwell and abide.